By B.K. JacksonThe 1953 discovery of DNA’s double helix and the 2003 completion of the Human Genome Project not only have transformed medicine but also have led to the advent of direct-to-consumer DNA testing, an unforeseen consequence of which has been that many people who test unearth long-buried family secrets.

I’m one of them. When I was an infant, my parents divorced and my mother disappeared without a trace, so I’m well acquainted with the yearning for an unknown parent. I felt abandoned anew when, 50 years later, a test revealed that I’ve never known either of my genetic parents—that my father wasn’t my father. At the same time, I discovered I’m Italian, not Russian; my family was Catholic, not Jewish; and my fear of the cancers rampant in my father’s family was unfounded.

My story—at least the second chapter—isn’t unique. A 2019 PEW Research Center survey found that 27% of home DNA test users discover unknown close relatives. Of these, those whose tests reveal misattributed parentage are known as NPEs—a name referring to the circumstances of conception—a non-paternity event or not-parent-expected.

These surprising results and their ripple effects illustrate what Libby Copeland, in her new book on the subject, The Lost Family, calls the “profound and disruptive power of DNA testing.”

Devastated to learn they have no genetic connection to their kin, many NPEs, like adoptees, become desperate to identify and contact their biological families. Some are welcomed into the fold, while others are ignored or spurned. Some, shockingly, are rejected even by the families in which they were raised.

This NPE experience, often hidden in the dark and shrouded in silence, must be brought into the light and made the subject of conversation. Why is this important? Because we can extrapolate from adoption research that identity confusion, stress, and rejection can render NPEs, like adoptees, vulnerable to potentially severe emotional turmoil and increased risks for depression, addiction, and other behavioral health issues. Discussion will bring much-needed attention to the dearth of resources and trained professionals needed to help them cope. And further, because with greater public awareness of the emotional impact, families—rather than close the door on NPEs—might be better able to respond empathetically and, thus, mitigate trauma.

When we receive unexpected DNA results, boughs of our family trees break. Our heritage evaporates. We’re not who we thought we were and we don’t know where we come from. We grieve for the families we may never know, yet this grief goes unacknowledged, as if it isn’t legitimate.

Like adoptees, we may suffer from genealogical bewilderment, a condition described in 1952 by psychiatrist E. Wellish as the alienation resulting from being disconnected from biological relatives. A relationship to one’s genealogy, he said, is “an inalienable and entitled right of every person.” The right to know one’s parents is also recognized as fundamental by the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child. 

And yet, about our new DNA status we’re routinely asked: What difference does it make?

That roughly 30 million people have taken DNA tests to discover their heritage and millions more are obsessed with genealogy is proof that people care—deeply—about where they come from. If blood ties didn’t matter, parents would take home a random infant from the nursery; instead they choose the newborn who carries their genes. But NPEs are expected not to care about DNA.

Adding to the trauma of shattered identity may be the pain of rejection. Because most NPEs are born of affairs or donor conceptions, when they reach out to biological family members they may expose long-guarded secrets and repressed shame. Fathers may reject their offspring for fear they’ll expose their infidelities or donor status, and siblings may want nothing to do with children conceived under these circumstances. But NPEs didn’t choose how they came into the world.

It’s true that people on the other end of this experience—those approached out of the blue by strangers—may also feel blindsided. It’s understandable, but is it an excuse to deprive people of their birthright?

It raises a fundamental question about whose rights are paramount and what responsibilities come with creating a human being. Are individuals entitled to secrecy when secret keeping affects the wellbeing of others and denies their truth? When paternity is established at birth, fathers are morally and legally responsible for their children; to reject such responsibility is actionable and considered contemptible. But the passage of time gives men a pass to pretend their children don’t exist.

Before DNA tests became available, I discovered and was welcomed by six brothers and sisters—my mother’s children. When later, through a DNA test, I discovered I was an NPE, it took an agonizing 18 months to discover who my biological father was and learn he’d been survived by a son. I wrote to this half-brother, asking only if he’d share a photograph of our father, tell me about him, and advise me about any preventable risks for heritable diseases. This is all most NPEs want.

To some degree, I understand my brother’s disinterest and failure to reply. Unlike me, he had nothing at stake. Yet I wonder what it would have cost him to respond—how he could have been unmoved by my request. I find it hard to believe a grown man might be so disturbed by his father’s unfaithfulness that he’d reject a sister. Perhaps, like many, he erroneously believes DNA results are unreliable. But the science behind DNA testing is unassailable. And since I enclosed a photograph of myself, he couldn’t have failed to see an unmistakable resemblance. I know that likeness exists because I was lucky enough to find cousins willing to give me what my brother would not. Their eager embrace and kindliness were healing and lifechanging. Thanks to them, I saw a photograph of my father—my own face looking back at me. These cousins could have shut the door on me; instead they gave me the gift of my own truth.

It’s possible that the ball on what Copeland calls “the roulette wheel of some unexpected revelation” may land on you or someone close to you. If an unknown relative contacts you or your family, consider that if you’ve seen your father’s face, you can’t imagine what it means to her to never have had that opportunity. Consider, too, that she’s not responsible for the circumstances of her conception and is without shame or blame. Ask yourself, if the tables were turned, wouldn’t you feel as if you’d been sucker-punched? If you learned you had a father whose name and face you didn’t know, wouldn’t you want to find him? If your religion was no longer your religion and your ethnicity no longer what you believed it to be, wouldn’t you feel adrift? If happened to you, wouldn’t you hope your biological family would respond with empathy and grace?

This isn’t to say you owe her a relationship. But the only decent, compassionate response is to acknowledge your genetic connection and provide a medical history. It’s the least a human being should expect from a blood relative. Understand that DNA matters to her, as it does to everyone else.B.K. JacksonBEFORE YOU GO…

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Our fellow adoptees are in need. The COVID-19 pandemic has severely disrupted many aspects of life across the world. Many people are struggling to obtain basic necessities while countless others are hurting due to lack of job security. During these hard times, we want to recognize and support our community members who are without citizenship, and thus have limited/no access to unemployment benefits, healthcare, housing, food, COVID-19 testing/treatment and will not receive a stimulus check. 

Cindy’s story: Cindy is an adoptee, and like many of us, she is struggling because of COVID-19. She doesn’t have support from her adoptive family, and as a single mom, she has to take care of her young daughter while still working to pay for basic necessities like food and utilities. Because of Cindy’s current situation, she can’t receive any type of benefits. 

Cindy: “As a single mother, working minimum wage 7 days a week is difficult, but you have to survive.”

But Cindy is one out of what is estimated to be thousands of adoptees without citizenship. Many who would most likely be excluded from relief packages like the CARES Act even though she would otherwise be eligible. In response, Adoptees For Justice has established the A4J COVID-19 Emergency Relief Fund to provide financial assistance to adoptees without citizenship.

Will you join us and help support adoptees like Cindy? Support fellow adoptees. Donate to the A4J COVID-19 Emergency Relief Fund now.

Are you an adoptee without citizenship who needs financial assistance? Apply NOW

**100% of donations given to the A4J COVID-19 Emergency Relief Fund will go to adoptees without citizenship

Every day, and especially in times of stress, meditation brings equanimity. Numerous types of meditation and other mindfulness practices help relieve stress, clear the mind, and allow us to live more presently and without judgment in the moment. But simply living in the moment at this time in our history may be anything but calming. As we grapple with the fears and sorrows associated with the Coronavirus pandemic, we may need something more, something different, to bring comfort and cultivate compassion. There may be no better time than now to begin a loving-kindness meditation practice.

In the best of times, everyone needs to receive and offer loving kindness. But these days, when the people of the world are experiencing a collective anxiety yet coping with it largely in isolation—when we feel entirely out of control and helpless—it may be more important than ever. Some of you are already experiencing trauma, and the added emotional burdens of the pandemic and social isolation may be crushing. You need loving kindness. Your family members who miss you need it. Individuals on the front lines—healthcare professionals, first responders, hospital staff of all kinds from maintenance people to administrators, who not only are facing fear, and, sometimes, hopelessness, but also compassion fatigue—need it. Grocery store workers and delivery people need it. Everyone needs it.

Loving-kindness meditation, also called metta meditation, is a way of offering love and acceptance unconditionally to oneself and all other beings. There are many types of loving-kindness meditations, but each is essentially similar. You begin by sitting in a comfortable position in a quiet spot. Close your eyes, relax your body, and take some deep breaths. Then you’ll repeat a series of phrases offering loving kindness, directing them first toward yourself. You might say: May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be free from harm. May I live with ease. Then you’ll gradually broaden the practice to embrace others with loving kindness. You might think of someone you love and hold their image in your mind as you offer them loving kindness: May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free from harm. May you live with ease. Then you’ll similarly offer those wishes for someone you have neutral feelings about. Then to someone from whom you’re estranged or with whom you have a difficult relationship. Finally you’ll open wider and include your neighbors, your community, the earth, and, ultimately, the universe.

It’s a practice that enhances your ability to develop acceptance, forgiveness, empathy, compassion, and—even though you must be physically distant—your capacity to feel connection to others. But it has additional benefits. Researchers have found that loving-kindness meditation may reduce pain and anxiety, increase positive emotions, decrease depression, alleviate self-criticism, and improve one’s ability to resolve conflicts. Best of all in a time of quarantine, it can increase perceptions of social connection.

Get an introduction to the practice in the video below, with a guided meditation from Jack Kornfield, an author, Buddhist practitioner, and leading mindfulness teacher. And look on our home page for a video by Sharon Salzberg, another leading mindfulness teacher. To learn more about loving-kindness meditation and find additional guided meditations, search Google and YouTube for Kornfield, Salzberg, and as well as renowned teachers Tara Brach and Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Look here for more articles on self care and return to our home page for article about other issues related to genetic identity.