How Do I Really Feel About All This?

By Adam E.L. Anthony

All my life, I’ve been told stories about my adoption that include words of gratitude, love, excitement, and pride, with a not-so-subtle Christian overtone from my family, friends, family-friends, and acquaintances. Those are the origin feelings I was supposed to emulate and identify with.

I’m not saying I didn’t genuinely have those emotions. It’s just that the darker and more complex emotions of anger, confusion, frustration, and doubt were “too much” for many that I have grown up with. I put those emotions away in a box without discussing them much, but they were still apparent in my actions and behaviors. Anxiety became a best friend. And how easy it can be to expel those feelings on unsuspecting people I encounter. I then feel hurt.

With the journey I’ve gone on so far, there is so much hurt, accompanied with sadness and some regret. It mostly has to do with those ancestors and biological connections passed that I never got the chance to connect with or those with whom our time together on this earth was much too short. It hurts that the people involved and the system did not consider my possible desires to want to know where I came from and the people who played a part in my existence. The assumption that I would just be okay with living a life that never fully suited me and having a limited backstory because “I’m so blessed and grateful to have the life I’ve been given, so the rest is moot”—well, that’s just incorrect. I feel the pain from the choices other people made for me, and because of my birth and adoption circumstances, there was nothing I could ever do.

But where is the space for me to say the feelings about what’s really going on here? I know it makes people uncomfortable because they are not used to me being so verbal and clear with my emotions on all this, but it is time. Of course, I know the gaslighting and persuasion comes from unsolicited opinions—either from those who know my adoptive parents and are ready to defend and support them or those who know my biological parents and are ready to do the same. No one in my family consistently cares in the way I need them to without inserting their own biases or opinions.

That reality makes me angry. I didn’t choose to be hidden or relinquished. Not that I feel self-righteous or indignant, but purposeful and overwhelmed, in this wildly complicated yet enlightening journey.

When it comes to healing and telling my story, it truly is up to me. No one else can do this journey for me, nor would I wish anyone else to go on it. This journey is not for the weak. It’s for those who have the capacity to endure as well as heal.

Adam Anthony is a native of Knoxville, TN but calls his true home in Cincinnati, OH. He currently resides in Murfreesboro, TN. Adam is a personal development blogger and speaker. He has a Master of Organizational Leadership degree, Bachelor of Science in Communications, and is a Doctoral of Education in Leadership candidate. Adam has a passion for volunteering with engagement organizations that focus on improving systems for people of color in the community, genealogy, and helping those in need.  He is an Eagle Scout from the Boy Scouts of America. Adam is also a member of the Association for Talent Development, the National Association for Adoptees and Parents, R.I.S.E Coalition, and other organizations and committees. During his free time, Adam participates in the following hobbies: volunteering, writing, public speaking, acting, singing, hiking, nature, binge-watching tv show series, and spending quality time with friends and family.