By Kara Rubinstein DeyerinThe advent of over-the-counter DNA testing has unlocked the closet where many family secrets were kept. While many learn one (or both) of the parents who raised them are not their genetic parent from a DNA test, sometimes people find out in other ways. A mother with a 104-degree temperature might let it slip that she had a son as a teenager. A family friend may tell someone mourning his dad, possibly at his funeral, that the suffered from infertility and had used a sperm donor. And sometimes having a child of their own prompts individuals to search for their biological family because they grew up with a vague idea of who their fathers were. Regardless of how one learns about misattributed parentage, the process of coping with such an experience is daunting and life-changing.

Right to Know is a non-profit founded on the principle that it’s a fundamental human right to know one’s genetic identity. We believe in inclusivity and embrace anyone who facing misattributed parentage. To that end we use the term misattributed parentage experience (MPE) to describe the phenomenon of coping with the fact that you did not grow up knowing your genetic parent. It’s a term used by mental health professionals for decades. We believe the word experience best describes the long-term effects we all have, as opposed to “event,” which is a one-time occurrence. The ramifications of an MPE last a lifetime to some degree.

An MPE belongs to one of three primary communities:

• Non-paternity event (NPE): those conceived from an extramarital affair, tryst, rape or assault, or other circumstance
• Assisted conception: those conceived from donor conception (DC), sperm donation, egg donation, embryo donation, or surrogacy; and
• Adoption: those whose adoption was hidden, orphans, individuals who’ve been in foster care or are who are late discovery adoptees (LDA), etc.

United, our communities have a stronger voice to effect change in society—to promote laws to protect our rights and encourage a better understanding of our experiences.

Right to Know focuses on three pillars to support people with an MPE: education, mental health, and legislation. Adoptees are trailblazers in many of these topics, but there’s still much work to be done. Many people with an MPE feel powerless, and through our work, we hope to empower them. Advocacy and helping others often facilitates healing.

People with an MPE often are not represented in lawmaking in the U.S. In fact, some of us clearly have no rights in the eyes of the law. Right to Know advocates for changes in laws to ensure people with MPEs are represented and our fundamental right to know our genetic identity is established legally. Our legal advocacy starts with your participation at a grassroots level. We are working to pass broad-based fertility fraud legislation with criminal penalties for all types of fertility fraud along with a civil cause of action allowing for both parents and offspring to bring a lawsuit. We also encourage an additional criminal penalty and a loss of licensure for doctors who use their own sperm to inseminate patients. We’ve teamed with legislators in Iowa, Michigan, New York, Oregon, and Washington to pass such legislation, with Nevada and Georgia soon to follow. We also partner with adoptee rights groups to see how we can help enact laws to ensure access to original birth certificates.

As part of RTK’s mental health initiative, we hold a monthly Community & Connection event on the first Sunday of the month at noon pacific time with a licensed therapist to discussed issues pertinent to MPEs. Past topics have included “A Look at Loss and Grief in MPEs,” “The Importance of Finding your Tribe and Feeling Supported,” and “Reaching Out to Bio-Family and Coping with the Response.” The next Community & Connection is “Identity and MPEs,” with Jodi Klugman-Rabb on Sunday, July 11. To register, send an email to RSVP@RightToKnow.us.

RTK also operates a hotline number, 323-TALK-MPE, to help people find resources to process their MPEs and pair them with someone who’s had a similar experience. To facilitate access to licensed professionals who have experience working with people with an MPE, we provide a directory so you can find a therapist to help you. We also work closely with DNAngels to help people find their genetic family.

Each month, usually on the third Sunday at noon Pacific time, RTK sponsors a webinar with world-class speakers on a topic related to MPEs. Past topics have included “Interacting with Narcissistic Moms” and “Family Members’ or Societal Perceptions of Ancestral DNA, Race, & Identity.” Find Information about upcoming webinars on the website.

RTK strives to educate the public on the complex intersection of genetic information, identity, and family dynamics through various media projects. In the fall it is launching an MPE Education website that will offer a variety of classes related to misattributed parentage.

Due to the newness of DNA testing and the surprising consequence of discovering misattributed parentage this way, there’s very little data available about MPEs, the rate of occurrence, demographics, and what we need to heal. Right to Know is excited to partner with Anita Foeman, PhD, and Bessie Lawton, PhD, from the DNA Discussion Project to gather information on MPEs through an online Institutional Review Board (IRB)-approved survey that aims to understand how MPEs affect individuals,  their family relationships (both preexisting and new), and their health and determine whether sufficient recourses and access to resources exist to cope with such a discovery. Your voice matters. Please participate in this groundbreaking research to ensure people with MPEs receive the help they need in the future. If you’d like to help or need more information about Right to Know’s initiatives, send an email to info@RightToKnow.us or find us online. Find us as well on Twitter and Instagram @righttoknowus.Deyerin is a non-practicing attorney and co-founder of Right to Know. She discovered three years ago that the man named on her birth certificate was not her biological father. With the click of a mouse, she went from being half black to half Jewish. She’s a mom, wife, writer, cook, knitter, and connoisseur of all things human. Follow her blog about her own journey, Unexpectedly Jewish. BEFORE YOU GO…

Look on our home page for more articles and essays about NPEs, adoptees, and genetic genealogy.

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By Chris WodickaIn a few weeks, it will be the 30th anniversary of my becoming a U.S. citizen. Even now, I can’t begin to tell you exactly what was required or how long it took. My adoptive parents successfully navigated that process for me when I was just a child, several years after my adoption from South Korea. We celebrated as a family afterward, but I didn’t understand what it all meant at the time. Today, I see more clearly how that piece of paper has shaped my life and what I have been allowed to take for granted. As a citizen, I have been able to vote in elections year after year my entire adult life. I have been able to work, get a U.S. passport, and receive federal financial aid. I have not lived in fear of deportation.

Other transnational adoptees have not been as fortunate. In many cases, the steps required for naturalization were not clearly communicated by the government or adoption agencies to adoptive parents. Today, it is estimated that thousands of adults who were adopted as children lack U.S. citizenship. These adoptees fall into a loophole from the Child Citizenship Act (CCA) that was signed into law in 2001. The CCA granted citizenship to many adoptees who were still minors at the time of enactment but excluded others, including adult adoptees born before 1983. The bipartisan Adoptee Citizenship Act of 2019, which would close much of the loophole, has been sponsored by Congressman Adam Smith of Washington and introduced in Congress, where it awaits committee action and a floor vote in the House. This legislation would grant citizenship to more than 50 deported adoptees and other adoptees without citizenship who are still in the U.S. It would also provide the citizenship that all intercountry adoptees are entitled to as the children of U.S. citizens, end the unequal treatment between adopted and biological children of U.S. citizens, and allow deported adoptees to come home, reunite with their families, and rebuild their lives.

Due to the widespread erasure of adoptee voices, many people’s understanding of adoption comes largely from the perspective of adoption agencies and adoptive parents. This mainstream, mostly positive narrative frames adoption around “families” and “love.” In contrast, for many adoptees, the experience is more complicated and often traumatic. These feelings can be acute and front of mind. In other cases, these traumas linger in the background, shaping how we perceive our place in the world: in our families, friendships, and sense of belonging. They can resurface without warning.

Even though I have been struggling with my own Korean American identity and adoptee experience, I was largely ignorant of the issue of adoptee citizenship. While I have supported other immigration measures in the past, I did not learn of the Adoptee Citizenship Act until earlier this year. Finally, I read and heard more stories of deported adoptees who’ve been forced to confront this other form of separation. As I’ve tried to learn more, I’ve come to better appreciate how U.S. policy falls far short. After all, many of our fellow Americans—both adoptees and other immigrants—cannot fully participate in U.S. life, even though this may be the only country they have known.

I believe issues of families and belonging are always paramount, and our current crises have only magnified this urgency. During this pandemic, we all probably know families who are struggling with forced time apart. Holidays, birthdays, and major life milestones are conducted via Zoom or FaceTime. For adoptees who have been deported, the uncertainty of not knowing when they will next see their loved ones has been the reality since even before COVID-19. Without the Adoptee Citizenship Act, deported adoptees will remain in unfamiliar countries, separated from their families and friends, and uprooted from their homes. For those who lack access to economic relief from their country of origin or from the U.S., where can they turn? When it comes to addressing policy failures that span years, we cannot completely atone for the injustices of the past. All we can do is act. With the bill expiring on December 10, it’s up to all of us to come together and demand our elected representatives in Congress pass the Adoptee Citizenship Act and finally provide internationally adopted Americans with the citizenship we were promised.Chris Wodicka is a transnational transracial Korean American adoptee. He is a member of Adoptees for Justice and lives in Richmond, Virginia.

Adoptees for Justice is an intercountry adoptee-led organization whose mission is to educate, empower, and organize transracial and transnational adoptee communities to achieve just and humane adoption, immigration, and restorative justice systems. Learn more about adoptee citizenship at adopteesforjustice.org. BEFORE YOU GO…

Look on our home page for more articles about adoptees, NPEs/MPEs, and genetic genealogy.

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It was a movement waiting to happen. It only needed a catalyst. Enter Dr. Laura Schlessinger, an unapologetic bully and “infotainment” therapist masquerading as a helping professional. Host of the Dr. Laura program, heard daily on SiriusXM Radio, Schlessinger bills herself as a “talk radio and podcast host offering no-nonsense advice infused with a strong sense of ethics, accountability and personal responsibility.” A Los Angeles marriage and family therapist, she’s no stranger to controversy. For example, there was criticism when it became known that in the early days of her television program her staff posed as guests, and outrage when two decades ago she declared that homosexuality was “a biological error” and made racist comments that temporarily derailed her radio career. Now, her SiriusXM program, with an audience of eight million listeners, doesn’t shy away from the sensationalism that ratchets up the ratings.

Recently, she directed her venom at NPEs (not parent expected.)

In the program’s July 7 Call of the Day, “My Mom Never Told Me the Truth,” Torri, the caller seeking Dr. Laura’s help, stated she wasn’t sure how to continue on in her relationship with her mother after recently learning her dad wasn’t her biological father. Schlessinger asked if the man who raised her was nice. After Torri responded that he was, Schlessinger launched into an assumption-filled toxic diatribe. She berated Torri, asking “What in the hell is wrong with you?” When Torri tried to explain she was upset by her mother’s lying, Schlessinger responded by saying, “So what? So what? Who gives a shit?” She continued to defend Torri’s mother while dismissing and disparaging the vulnerable caller, leaving Torri barely able to speak. “I seriously would rather smack you across the head than anything else right now, you ungrateful little twit. You insensitive, ungrateful twit.” When Torri, after a stunned silence, tried to respond, Schlessinger interrupted. “You’re a twit for saying that. You’re a twit for repeating it.” She continued for several excruciating minutes to bully and berate her caller.

Word of the episode spread quickly among adoptees, donor-conceived people, NPEs, and others affected by separation from biological family. As more and more people listened to the podcast, outrage surged from one Facebook group to another like jolts of electricity. Soon, members responded to Schlessinger on her website and on social media, many demanding an apology, some clamoring for a boycott of her program, and others calling for the radio host to be stripped of her license to practice psychotherapy. The complaints appeared to fall on deaf ears as the complainers were quickly blocked from Schlessinger’s social media accounts. A post on her Facebook page overrun with comments about the episode, however, was quickly shut down.

Therapists soon weighed in as well. Jodi Klugman-Rabb, LMFT, wrote an article about Schlessinger’s breach of provider ethics, and Eve Sturges, LMFT and host of a podcast, “Everything’s Relative,” released an “emergency” episode to bring awareness to the issue.

I grew angrier by the day, says DNAngels’ search angel Ashley Frazier, “and on July 1, I put out a call in all the groups I’m in that it was time to speak up and let our voices be heard. Torri’s call was a rallying cry for members of our communities, who are often faced with rejection and the judgment of people in their lives who share the views of Dr. Laura, simply for wanting to know the truth about their genetic identity.”

When a friend shared with her a link to the show, Erin Cosentino, of the Facebook group NPE Only: After the Discovery, couldn’t bring herself to listen at first. “It took me a few hours to work up the courage,” she says. Reading the comments first inspired her to move ahead. “So many people were in support of Dr. Laura’s comments, and I was sickened by that, so I listened.” She and her friends spent days discussing the podcast and debating about what to do and how to educate the people who supported Dr. Laura. Then she saw the post written by Ashley Frazier. “It was so in line with everything my friends and I had been discussing that I asked permission to share it. I was meant to see it. It was meant to be. Within minutes we were planning.”

“We spent the evening messaging about strategy,” says Frazier. “Our plans quickly evolved into the two of us starting a group together, and by morning we had a group chat with more than 30 people discussing bigger plans than we could ever have imagined. Within 24 hours, we had our own private group formed with nearly 100 members brainstorming and offering to help achieve our mission.”

What they created that evening is the Coalition for Genetic Truth, which has united 27 NPE, adoptee, late discovery adoptee (LDA), search angel, and donor/surrogacy conceived support groups with combined memberships totaling more than 105,000 people.

The coalition now has both a public and a private group on Facebook whose 400 members include individuals from the various communities as well as their allies. Frazier and Cosentino quickly assembled a team of friends and fellow advocates to moderate the groups and represent all of the various communities with a stake in issues related to genetic identity—Laura Leslie, Emily Ripper, Kayla Branch, Annie Persico, Cindy Olson McQuay, Cassandra Adams, and Kathleen Shea Kirstein.

“The initial goal of the coalition was to raise our voices to speak out against Schlessinger’s abusive treatment of Torri,” says Frazier. “But we very quickly realized there were more effective ways to spread our mission in a positive manner,” adds Cosentino.

At first they focused on sending email messages, making phone calls, issuing a press release, and creating a petition that’s now been signed by more than 1,300 people calling for an apology from Schlessinger. “Realistically, we know we’re not going to get an apology. This step was simply a springboard to get to our greater mission, which is to be a united voice that gets the community and the public talking and recognizing that there’s a need for education about the importance of knowing one’s genetic identity,” she adds. It’s important, she says, for the burgeoning population of identity-disenfranchised people to be able to find their way to these communities “and know that there are tens of thousands of people in our support groups who can truly understand what they’re going through, give advice based on experience, and support them without judgment. As hard as our friends and families try to be supportive, they can’t put themselves in our shoes and often make hurtful and dismissive comments, such as ‘This doesn’t change anything,’ or ‘Your dad’s still your dad.”

Equally important as connecting community members to resources, says Frazier, “is to educate our known and newfound family members and friends about how they can better support us during this difficult time. There’s also a huge need to educate mental health professionals about this important issue and enable them to provide resources to their clients.”

Join the public or private Facebook group and follow the coalition on Twitter @GeneticTruth and on Instagram at #coalitionforgenetictruth.Among the members of the Coalition for Genetic Truth are the following.*

ADVOCACY

Right To Know On Twitter and Instagram @righttoknowus and on Facebook 

COUNSELING/THERAPY

Eve Sturges, LMFT: a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. On Twitter and Instagram: @evesturges

NPE Counseling Collective: group of therapists specializing in best therapeutic practices for the NPE community.

Jodi Klugman-Rabb, LMFT: a licensed marriage and family therapist and creator of Parental Identity Discovery (see NPE Counseling Training below). On Twitter @JodiRabb, Instagram @jkrabbmft, and Facebook

FACEBOOK GROUPS

Note: Not all groups are open to everyone. Check the “About” section of each group for restrictions and to determine whether you are eligible to become a member.

Adoptees, NPEs, Donor Conceived & Other Genetic Identity Seekers

Adoptees Only: Found/Reunion The Next Chapter On Instagram @adopteesonly

Adoption Search & Support by DNAngels — Adoptee/LDA

DNAngels Search & Support — NPE/DC

DNA Surprises

Donor Conceived People

Donor Conceived People in/Around NY

Friends of Donor Conceived Individuals

Hiraeth Only: Longing for Home

The Mindful NPE On Twitter and Instagram @TheMindfulNPE

MPE Cross Cultural Connections

MPE Jewish Identity Surprise

NPE Counseling Collective

NPE Only: After the Discovery On Twitter @NPEsOnly1

Pacific NW MPE Life

GENETIC GENEALOGISTS/SEARCH ANGELS

DNAngels On Twitter @DNAngels4 and Instagram @DNAngelsorg

Enlighten DNA: Email: Truth@enlightenDNA.org

MEDIA

Severance Magazine On Twitter and Instagram @Severancemag and Facebook

NPE COUNSELING TRAINING

Parental Identity Discovery

PODCASTS

NPE Stories, hosted by Lily Wood

Everything’s Relative with Eve Sturges

Sex, Lies & the Truth, hosted by Jodi Klugman-Rabb and Christina Bryan Fitzgibbons

Find more resources about adoptees, NPEs, donor-conceived people, and others with genetic identity concerns in the “Resources” tab top right here.BEFORE YOU GO…

Look on our home page for more articles about NPEs, adoptees, and genetic genealogy.

• Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
• Let us know what you want to see in Severance. Send a message to bkjax@icloud.com.
• Tell us your stories. See guidelines. 
• If you’re an NPE, adoptee, or donor conceived person; a sibling of someone in one of these groups; or a helping professional (for example, a therapist or genetic genealogist) you’re welcome to join our private Facebook group.
• Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter and Instagram @Severancemag.

Advocacy Snapshot is an ongoing feature that highlights the views and efforts of individuals working to raise awareness, amplify voices, and stand for rights. Here, Courtney Tucker, founder of the U.S. Donor-Conceived Alliance (USDCA) weighs in.There have been individuals and small groups around the world working for donor conceived people’s rights for many years, but there’s an issue with visibility. Even now, having been in the community for more than a year, I struggle to fully grasp what has happened and what is happening. My hope with the U.S. Donor-Conceived Alliance is to provide a platform where information and resources can be gathered and voices may be elevated. I saw what the Donor Conceived Alliance of Canada and organizations in other countries were building and was shocked to learn that the same hadn’t been done in the U.S. My background is in non-profit marketing and management, so while my strengths may not align with filing lawsuits or contacting representatives, I would love for our organization to support those who do choose to take those types of actions.

In the U.S. specifically, I think one of our biggest hurdles is that many of the changes we hope to make need to happen at the state level. Even if you succeed at banning anonymity in one state, there’s nothing stopping anyone from driving over to the next (or even mail ordering!) for anonymous gametes. This has to be a coordinated effort. Adoptee advocates seem to be gaining traction in that regard, with many states making changes toward the opening of original birth certificate (OBC) records.Earlier this year, the USDCA polled 85 donor conceived people about where our priorities should lie. The vast majority would like to see an end to anonymity, caps on the number of offspring allowed per donor, better counseling for donors and commissioning parents, and stronger regulated record-keeping, including up-to-date family medical histories. There was slightly less emphasis placed on a central registry, such as Victoria, Australia’s Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority (VARTA), and ending payment for gamete donations (an issue Canada is currently battling).The USDCA is still in the very early stages, but you can fill out this form to register as an ally and join our mailing list. If you are not in the U.S., we have a list of other organizations around the world here.  On a local level, I highly recommend finding an adoptee support group to join. Of course, ask first to make sure groups are comfortable with a donor conceived person joining. I’ve made some very good friends in my group who right away said, “of course, you are half-adopted.” While our online communities are essential, it can also be very empowering to make “real life” connections.I think this depends on the individual. Working to create change can be cathartic, but I think it can also serve as a distraction — a means to avoid the real healing. And that’s okay. This process is an ebb and flow, and if distraction through action is what’s getting you through the days, go for it. We just need to stay mindful that when the flow pulls us away from advocacy, that’s okay too. Look out for each other, check in on occasion. Burnout is very common in both the non-profit world I come from and the advocacy world I’ve just dipped my toe into. I recently started reading “In it For the Long Haul: Overcoming Burnout and Passion Fatigue as Social Justice Change Agents“ by Dr. Kathy Obear. The first couple chapters really resonate with what I’ve personally experienced and witnessed in others. Go into advocacy because you feel passionate about advocacy — if healing happens along the way, that’s just a bonus.Courtney Tucker is a 30-something donor-conceived individual living in Arkansas with her cat and a large collection of cameras and vintage clothing. She works as the marketing coordinator of a major local non-profit and in her spare time leads the U.S. Donor-Conceived Alliance. She found her “donor” father and four half-siblings in 2018 and is always happy to show off photos of her new nieces and nephews!