By Lorah GeraldMy hand strokes the smooth white fur of the rug I am lying on. I move my hand slowly along it. It’s soft and soothing. I rub my face into the fur. My fingers dig into it and pull it close. It calms me and triggers Oxytocin—a hormone associated with pleasurable feelings—to be released by the pituitary gland. My breathing becomes slow and regular. The pain I’m feeling slowly subsides. I start regulating the mental turmoil in my mind. I draw on a memory of when I was happy. The sensation of the fur on my skin reminds me of the love I felt for my dog Brizzie. She was my everything. I spent as much time as I could with her, and I’d miss her when I was working or on vacation. I loved that dog with all of my heart. When she passed, my world crumbled.

I bought this rug to remember how I felt when I’d stroke her fur. She was unconditional love. I could feel it when I looked into her blue eyes. She’d look up at me, the world would fall away, and it would be just us. Our walks together were my happy place. Our connection was pure and uncomplicated. I felt she understood me; she could sense my pain and would come to my side. The love she gave flowed from her heart without pause. When she passed, I could still feel her beside me. Blump, blump, blump she would run up the stairs. I can still hear it. Her movement, her fur, her breath were all still alive in my thoughts but I could no longer reach out to touch her. I wanted to feel her again. I felt like a part of me died when she did.

As an adoptee, I’ve always felt closer to animals than humans. My childhood home was a farmhouse that was more than 100 hundred years old. My backyard had a barbed wire fence separating us from the farm behind it. The cows, horses, and ponies would lean their heads over the fence to eat grass out of the yard. Sometimes I’d gather vegetable scraps or handfuls of grass and hold out my hand to feed them. Their noses moved back and forth in my hand as they chewed the treat I held. They felt soft, like a rabbit’s ear. For a special treat, I asked my adoptive parents to buy sugar cubes for me to give to the horses. I’d slowly walk over to them and touch them, my hand softly stroking their hair. I looked into their gaze. Once I felt trust between us, I’d go to their side of the fence and play in their field. After years, I felt like we were friends. One day, I was told not to go into their field anymore. I understand then that the adults wanted to keep me safe, but it was devastating. I felt as if my friends had been taken away. I agreed to the rules but went into the field anyway when no one was looking. I’d already been taken away from my family, and I wasn’t going to let anyone take away my friends.

Being adopted, it was easier for me to have animals as friends. I loved the feeling of their fur, and I understand now that I was self-regulating my emotions when I petted them. I felt they loved me without complications. They helped heal my hidden pain. I loved all the animals and wanted to take care of them. Growing up, my menagerie consisted of cats, dogs, parakeets, fish, and turtles. My adoptive parents allowed one of my cats to have kittens so I could watch how birth happens. I thought it was gross but I loved those three kittens so much. One was white with a couple of gray spots. The others were tabby cats, one grey and one orange-striped. I was sad that we had to find them homes when they were old enough to be given away. It confused me. I knew my adoptive parents didn’t wait that long to get me. Was I given away too soon? I didn’t want to give them away. I felt heartbroken. It made me think about how I was given away. I knew my adoptive parents never talked to my birth mother. I wanted to know where the kittens were going. Why did my birth mother not ask who was taking me? I cared what was going to happen to my kittens. Why didn’t my birth mother care what happened to me?

Now I sit with my white fur rug, petting it and soothing myself. I remind myself that I am loved and I am worthy. The pain of being given away doesn’t go away. We learn to adapt to it.Lorah Gerald—adoptee, writer, intuitive, Kundalini yoga Instructor, reiki master and ordained minister—writes memoir, inspirational, educational, and opinion pieces and blogs on her website, LorahGerald.com, and as @theadoptedchameleon on Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest. She hopes to help others, adopted or not, heal their trauma by sharing her lived experiences as an adoptee, educating about breath work and energy healing, and using her natural intuitive abilities.

BEFORE YOU GO…

Look on our home page for more articles and essays about NPEs, adoptees, and genetic genealogy.

• Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
• Let us know what you want to see in Severance. Send a message to bkjax@icloud.com.
• Tell us your stories. See guidelines. 
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For many of us, DNA test results have delivered news that’s made nothing in our world seem normal. Our families may not be our families. The truths we’ve known may not be truths at all. We’ve been upside-down, turned around, and left looking for some kind of foothold—a way to ground ourselves in this new unreality. Then came a virus and a quarantine that have made everyone’s lives anything but normal. On top of that, an unprecedented political climate along with civil unrest have been both globally and personally destabilizing. If that weren’t enough, bring on the holidays, which for some in the best of times are difficult, stressful, and grief-inducing. But this year, even those who typically find the season joyful may experience sadness, disappointment, and grief.

If you experience anxiety, it’s likely been magnified in (or by) 2020. If you’ve experienced trauma, the fear and isolation caused by the pandemic may be retraumatizing. If you’ve been alone in quarantine or can’t spend the holidays with the people you love, your loneliness may seem overwhelming. Even if you’ve been holding your own, the common sorrow—the empathy and compassion fatigue for all who are struggling—may be depleting you. This state of life as we know it now may be getting on your last nerve.

If, as so many of us have, you’ve attempted to cope by overeating, drinking, catastrophizing, or hiding under the covers, you’re not alone. As we near the end of this off-the-charts bad year, we may all need self-care, but are too weary to make the effort. Among our resolutions may be to do better, perhaps even to seek the therapy many of us need to help us find our sure footing in our personal strange new world and in the strange new world everyone now inhabits. But there’s one little thing we can do to help ground ourselves in minutes—and it involves something many of us have been missing—a hug.

One mindful technique that can help keep you rooted in the moment and prevent you from focusing on worries is the butterfly hug. It’s a technique often taught by therapists who practice EMDR so that their clients can self-soothe outside of sessions. EMDR (which will be the topic of an upcoming article) stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Developed serendipitously by Francine Shapiro, PhD, it’s one of a number of evidence-based therapeutic modalities used to treat trauma and other painful experiences. It’s based on the principle of bilateral stimulation. While clients discuss an aspect of their painful experiences, they watch a rapid repetitive movement back and forth—possibly lights or the therapist’s finger moving across their fields of vision. It’s an approach that’s been proven to positively alter thinking and feelings relative to experiences—processing the trauma, defusing memories, and allowing people to be more present and less attached to the past. It produces a change in the neural networks that in turn produces a cognitive change.

The butterfly hug is a way to self-administer bilateral stimulation to reduce arousal. It was created in 1998 by Lucina Artigas, MA, MT, while working in Mexico with survivors of Hurricane Pauline. Simple to perform, you can do it any time you feel stressed, notice distracting negative thoughts, or are preoccupied with worries about the future. Make yourself comfortable sitting or reclining. Close your eyes if you wish. Lay your left hand across the right side of your chest and your right hand across the left. Link your thumbs so that your hands look like butterfly wings. Position your hands so your fingertips point upward toward the neck and rest them near your collarbone or your upper chest. Inhale deeply and exhale. Then—while thinking about what’s troubling you—tap your fingers on your chest in an alternating fashion, first your left hand tapping on your right side, then your right hand tapping on your left side, your hands moving like butterfly wings at whatever pace and pressure you like. Notice what your senses perceive: sounds, smells, images, feelings. Be aware of your thoughts without judgment and without trying to influence them. Repeat until you notice a sensation of greater calm and a reduction in negative thoughts. Inhale deeply and exhale. That’s it. It doesn’t take long to soothe yourself. In her protocol, Artigas advises doing the hug for no more than six to eight times to avoid overstimulation, but some practitioners suggest that it can be done for several minutes and can be repeated until you sense an increased feeling of calm. The technique will not eradicate anxiety, but it will bring it down a notch or two, which sometimes is just enough to make the days more manageable.

Click here for a video describing the method.

Keep in mind, the butterfly hug is a method of self-soothing but doesn’t take the place of therapy for extreme anxiety or PTSD. If you’re experiencing severe symptoms or if the hug increases your anxiety, talk with a mental health professional.  

Every day, and especially in times of stress, meditation brings equanimity. Numerous types of meditation and other mindfulness practices help relieve stress, clear the mind, and allow us to live more presently and without judgment in the moment. But simply living in the moment at this time in our history may be anything but calming. As we grapple with the fears and sorrows associated with the Coronavirus pandemic, we may need something more, something different, to bring comfort and cultivate compassion. There may be no better time than now to begin a loving-kindness meditation practice.

In the best of times, everyone needs to receive and offer loving kindness. But these days, when the people of the world are experiencing a collective anxiety yet coping with it largely in isolation—when we feel entirely out of control and helpless—it may be more important than ever. Some of you are already experiencing trauma, and the added emotional burdens of the pandemic and social isolation may be crushing. You need loving kindness. Your family members who miss you need it. Individuals on the front lines—healthcare professionals, first responders, hospital staff of all kinds from maintenance people to administrators, who not only are facing fear, and, sometimes, hopelessness, but also compassion fatigue—need it. Grocery store workers and delivery people need it. Everyone needs it.

Loving-kindness meditation, also called metta meditation, is a way of offering love and acceptance unconditionally to oneself and all other beings. There are many types of loving-kindness meditations, but each is essentially similar. You begin by sitting in a comfortable position in a quiet spot. Close your eyes, relax your body, and take some deep breaths. Then you’ll repeat a series of phrases offering loving kindness, directing them first toward yourself. You might say: May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be free from harm. May I live with ease. Then you’ll gradually broaden the practice to embrace others with loving kindness. You might think of someone you love and hold their image in your mind as you offer them loving kindness: May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free from harm. May you live with ease. Then you’ll similarly offer those wishes for someone you have neutral feelings about. Then to someone from whom you’re estranged or with whom you have a difficult relationship. Finally you’ll open wider and include your neighbors, your community, the earth, and, ultimately, the universe.

It’s a practice that enhances your ability to develop acceptance, forgiveness, empathy, compassion, and—even though you must be physically distant—your capacity to feel connection to others. But it has additional benefits. Researchers have found that loving-kindness meditation may reduce pain and anxiety, increase positive emotions, decrease depression, alleviate self-criticism, and improve one’s ability to resolve conflicts. Best of all in a time of quarantine, it can increase perceptions of social connection.

Get an introduction to the practice in the video below, with a guided meditation from Jack Kornfield, an author, Buddhist practitioner, and leading mindfulness teacher. And look on our home page for a video by Sharon Salzberg, another leading mindfulness teacher. To learn more about loving-kindness meditation and find additional guided meditations, search Google and YouTube for Kornfield, Salzberg, and as well as renowned teachers Tara Brach and Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Look here for more articles on self care and return to our home page for article about other issues related to genetic identity.

Do your thoughts keep traveling on the same groove, driving you deeper and deeper in a rut? Maybe you can’t stop thinking about lies you’ve been told or wondering whether you’ll ever figure out where you came from. Or you can’t tear yourself away from the computer because the answer to your search and all your urgent questions may be just a few keystrokes away. Or worse, your thoughts become so oppressive that in order to blot them out you find yourself eating or drinking more, burning through cigarettes, relying on prescription or recreational drugs, or picking fights with those around you.

Although not always recognized as such, loss related to separation from family or discovery of misattributed parentage can be a form of trauma. And trauma, according to Sarah Bowen, a clinical psychologist and associate professor at Pacific University, plays a trick on your mind. It’s hard to find relief from it. “When anything traumatic has happened, whether it’s loss- or fear-based, you can’t get away from it. It’s in your face. If it’s fear, sadness, grief, whatever, it’s easy to go down rabbit holes.” But obsessive thinking locks you into feeling the feelings at the same time that it intensifies them.

It’s easy, Bowen says, to get caught in rumination cycles. While sometimes it’s helpful to think things through, often it’s the thinking through that causes intense distress. You get stuck in the same loops of thought, and catastrophizing and obsessing isn’t actually very useful. Those obtrusive and persistent emotions, she says, may manifest in many ways. “It might be engaging in ruminative thought patterns, picking up a drink, yelling at your partner, or eating, but the function is the same.” Those behaviors arise because you can’t handle what you’re feeling, so you engage in something that you think will make you feel less bad, she explains.

Urge surfing is a simple technique to allow you to slow down and acknowledge your feelings without acting on them. This evidence-based intervention was developed to help prevent addiction relapse by the late G. Alan Marlatt, PhD, who was director of addiction research at the University of Washington in Seattle. The concept came to him when he was trying to help someone stop smoking. It’s based on the understanding that urges — impulses to act in some way on negative feelings — rise like waves, getting bigger and bigger until one feels compelled to give in and indulge the urges. Trying to suppress these feelings tends to make them stronger and more insistent. Urge surfing helps individuals learn to ride out the wave without giving in and to understand that the urge is impermanent. Marlatt and his colleagues found the technique effective in addiction relapse prevention, but its applications go well beyond substance use and abuse. It’s simply a way of applying mindfulness to feelings that seem intolerable, says Bowen, who worked with Marlatt as a graduate student at the University of Washington.

The concept and practice are based in large part on Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction program. As defined by Kabat-Zinn, mindfulness is “paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, nonjudgmentally.” Learn more about mindfulness in this short video by Kabat-Zinn.

Urge surfing is not a way of solving or figuring out the problem. It’s about backing up and observing your feelings, says Bowen. It’s a way of asking, “What if I noticed what’s happening in my body, what my mind is doing now, instead of having panicked reactions?”

To ride the waves, you’ll learn to recognize when your thoughts and feelings are leading you to react in habitual, impulsive, and unproductive ways. Perhaps your urge is to log in to Ancestry.com constantly to see if you have new DNA matches. Of course, it’s helpful to monitor your matches, but checking 10 times a day can only increase your distress. Instead of flipping open your computer, sit quietly with your uncomfortable feelings without judgment. Acknowledge the thoughts that arise and the accompanying sensations and tensions in your body. Bring your attention to your breath as you follow the wave of the urge until it crests and subsides.

As with all mindfulness techniques, urge surfing requires a dedicated practice to strengthen your ability to react mindfully instead of in your default mode. Stopping and sitting with your feelings in this way each time they arise, combined with practicing mindfulness-based techniques on a regular basis each day when you’re not feeling the impulses, will make you better able to choose constructive responses.

Listen to Bowen guide you through an urge surfing exercise in this sound file.

It’s natural to have a powerful urge to escape feelings associated with or arising from trauma. Urge surfing, Bowen explains, is a way of learning to sit with the feelings and ride them out, learning to live with them without them overtaking your life. Through urge surfing you’ll be able to recognize that the feelings probably will come back, but you’ll become aware that you can feel things you don’t want to feel and still be okay.

Whether it’s through urge surfing or other practices, “mindfulness is useful in that it illuminates how our minds mean well but end up trapping us in cycles of anxiety, worry, and suffering,” says Nick Turner, a clinical social worker in the Clinical Road Home Program for Veterans and Families at Rush University Medical Center. “It provides us with a practice that accepts the mind as it is and allows us to be more present and effective.”

It’s often enough for individuals to break thought patterns and negative behaviors by developing a regular mindfulness practice — urge surfing or mindful meditation — but sometimes it may be beneficial to seek help. “If someone is to the point where they are obsessing about something and it’s decreasing their quality of life, working with a guide such as a therapist or teacher can be helpful.”

Look for more on mindfulness techniques coming soon in Severance.

Maybe you took a DNA test for fun and the results turned out to be anything but. You don’t recognize anyone in your match list or you find in your mailbox a “Hi, we’re siblings!” message when you thought you were an only child. Or perhaps someone let slip a family secret and now you suspect that you have no genetic connection to one or both of your parents. What should you do now? The simplest and yet most difficult way to regain your equilibrium after being blown away is to hit the pause button.It may feel as if your world has gone sideways. It wouldn’t be surprising if you can’t think straight and your mind is reeling; after all, this may be the most life-changing experience you’ll ever know. You may want to try to right your world immediately, but a better strategy is to acknowledge that you’ve had a significant shock and let it settle in a little before reacting. The initial revelation of family secrets may just be the first wave in a storm of shocks and struggles, so the way you respond early on may ease your way throughout your journey. Later you can think about your goals and explore how to move forward, but for now, take it slowly. (See the First Steps Guide from Right to Know below.)

Renowned neurologist and psychologist Viktor Frankl often is credited for a wise statement likely first made before he was born: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Take time to be still in that space. “It’s definitely a good idea to stop and take a breath,” says psychologist Greg Markway. “Part of your ‘story’ changes the moment you get this new information, but you don’t have any of the background information about the story.” Feeling a range of emotions, he says — upset, lost, angry — is normal. “Let yourself feel and accept the feelings.” Give yourself time, he advises, to explore the rest of your story and learn what the new information means.

“Don’t make any life-changing decisions,” advises Krista Driver, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist who’s also an NPE (non-parental event or not parent expected). “Don’t sell your home, divorce your mother, quit your job, or make any major changes.” In addition, she says, “Be selective in the people you tell; not everyone is worthy of your story.”If you haven’t already taken a DNA test, take one now to confirm any suspicions you may have. Use the strategy outlined here.Establishing equilibrium after a shock — whether that’s done by searching for biological family, reestablishing peaceful connections with your social family, or resolving that you may never have the answers you seek — is a marathon, not a sprint. It will take energy, stamina, and focus at the same time that it tries to drain you of all three.

It’s well known that in the wake of a shock, the body and mind can take a hit, so make a commitment to guarding your well-being by eating properly, getting enough sleep, and maintaining an exercise routine. And take steps to manage stress and anxiety. Devote some time to whatever you find relaxing — maybe listening to music, spending time in nature, reading, or visiting a museum. One of the best ways to defuse stress, however, is to practice mindfulness-based meditation.

“Mindfulness,” says Markway, “is the process where you focus your attention on the current moment. You also attend to your current thoughts and feelings — just noticing them — without trying to judge or change them.” Load your phone with any one of a number of mindfulness-based meditation apps such as Calm, Omvana, Headspace, or Insight Timer and pause for five or ten minutes twice a day and whenever you’re feeling anxious to slow your mind and still your thoughts. Taking care of yourself,” adds Markway, “helps you think more clearly.”

Another aspect of self-care is pausing for self-reflection. Driver suggests keeping a journal. “This may come in handy when you’re trying to piece it all together later. As people move through this process of discovery, memories will float back that provide confirmations, or they may recall conversations from childhood, and this medium documents the range of emotions that will come up during the journey.”You may feel powerless and alone. You are neither. Information and resources are empowering, and you’ll find those here in the magazine and in numerous references listed in our Resource sections. But before you explore them, make an effort to connect with others who’ve been where you are now. Your friends and family members, unless they’ve had a similar experience, may not be able to understand or relate to the feelings you’re having. Find a community of people who’ve also experienced this kind of shock,” says Driver, who recommends an online support group, or, if you’re lucky enough to live near one, an in-person group. “This helps people know they aren’t alone and provides a safe place to explore potential avenues to take.”

In addition, there are dozens of Facebook groups that may provide comfort. While not true support groups since they’re not moderated by trained professionals, these private groups offer comfort, peer support, and shared resources. Severance has its own group, Adoptees, NPEs, Donor Conceived & Other Genetic Identity Seekers, and there are many more devoted exclusively to adoptees, donor conceived people, NPEs, or late discovery adoptees. (See our Resources pages.)

As you seek support in these ways, ensure that you don’t lose touch with your real-world support group, take time to spend with friends, and engage in whatever activities you found enjoyable or rewarding before you made this life-changing discovery.All individuals perceive and react to trauma differently. There’s no right or wrong way. Almost everyone will feel knocked off balance by finding out that a branch of their family tree has fallen. Some manage to take it in stride, and others will feel overwhelmed, devastated. It’s not unusual in the immediate aftermath of a such a discovery to feel angry, sad, moody, and distracted. You might have difficulty concentrating or sleeping. These feelings are normal and likely will subside as you absorb the shock. But if they linger, cause you to engage in risky or troublesome behaviors, or interfere with your daily activities, consider seeking the help of a therapist, preferably one trained in issues related to family separation.BEFORE YOU GO…

• Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
• Let us know what you want to see in Severance. Send a message to bkjax@icloud.com
• Tell us your stories. See guidelines at https://severancemag.com/submission-guidelines/
• If you’re an NPE, adoptee, or donor conceived person; a sibling of someone in one of these groups; or a helping professional (for example, a therapist or genetic genealogist) you’re welcome to join our private Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/402792990448461
• And like us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/severancemag and follow us on Twitter and Instagram @Severancemag