By Brad EwellIn Facebook groups for people with not parent expected (NPEs) or misattributed parentage experiences (MPEs), there’s a consistent large difference in the ratio of men to women. If you were a man looking to meet women, this would be a place to be. There are typically a handful of men and thousands of women. Where are all the guys? Percentage-wise there couldn’t be that many more women than men having DNA surprises. So what’s going on here?

Looking at the bigger picture, this is a fairly common phenomenon among individuals with depression, anxiety, stress, and other mental health concerns. Several studies indicate that men are typically much less likely than women to seek professional help when facing psychological distress. The study authors suggest a number of factors for the disparity, such as the fear many men have of being judged as emotionally vulnerable or weak. Researchers also point to the fact that because men are trained from an early age to compete with other men, it makes them less likely to trust each other and reveal what they may perceive as weakness.

I posed the question to several individuals who not only are behavioral health practitioners but who also have personal experience with misattributed parentage. Their thoughts generally mirror the finding of the studies, but they offered additional insights.

According to Jodi Klugman-Rabb,* a licensed marriage and family therapist and licensed professional counselor, “Sometimes it’s as simple as the gender role conditioning specific to cultural norms that men are not manly if emotional. So expressing emotions is then seen as weak, making group process emasculating. On a more micro level, emotional process can have a lot to do with the family of origin dynamics and whether kids were allowed or encouraged to explore emotions safely, how cultural gender norms influenced that, and, to take it back out on a macro level, how these expectations were transmitted intergenerationally.”

Eve Sturges,* also a licensed marriage and family therapist, agrees. “Men,” she adds, “generally are taught to look for solutions; without a direct path, they often don’t understand the benefit.” Men view support groups as a place to talk about things, but they fail to see the benefit of the emotional burden that’s released when feelings are verbally expressed.

Men also fear that a vulnerable disclosure might disrupt the peace in their relationships, whether with their mates or family members or at work, according to Cotey Bowman,* a licensed professional counselor associate.

In order to make support groups more appealing to men, these professionals say, the stigma that prevents men from seeking support and expressing emotions must be addressed at a cultural level. Until this cultural change, the best option is to allow and encourage men to see other men model vulnerability and acceptance of emotions.

After reading the studies and talking to professionals, I can see myself and the culture I was raised in fairly accurately reflected in their comments. At 50 years old, I’ve been a police officer for half of my life. Police and other first respondors are notoriously emotionally restricted at work because the job demands it, explains Jodi Klugman-Rabb. It’s very difficult, she adds, “to ask first responders to compartmentalize at work but share at home. Most cannot walk both lines because our brains are not wired for that level of compartmentalization.” It’s an apt assessment of the people I work with daily.

I was raised in an environment where the expression of emotions was an indicator of weakness. As a result, I’ve grown into a person who is self-reliant to a fault. I try to avoid having people to do things for me because I don’t want to bother them or draw attention to myself. My dad taught me the importance of being self-sufficient and tough. When you get hurt, he said, you just “rub some dirt on it” and move on.

I vividly remember several instances in my childhood when my father imparted these lessons. Once, while building a fence, he accidentally nailed the palm of his hand to a picket fence with a nail gun. My job was to go to the other side of the fence, pull his hand off the nail, and get some duct tape so he could tape his hand up and finished the fence. Another time, he lost his balance while using a chain saw on a ladder and sawed through part of his thigh. Again, I was assigned to get the duct tape so he could tape himself back up and finish the job. (I think he got some stitches, but only after we finished the job). Finally, and most memorable, was the day he broke his leg. We were riding horses in a pasture when another horse came up alongside him. The horse tried to kick my dad’s horse, but instead kicked my dad in the shin. My dad grimaced. “We need to go back,” he said. “I think my leg is broke.” We rode back a couple of miles without him making a sound; he just wore that same grimace on his face. Once we got to the stalls, we tied up the horses, got in the truck, and started to the hospital. I was in middle school and had driven a few times around where we kept our horses but never out on the street. When we got to the road, my dad stopped and said, “If I feel like I’m going to pass out, I’ll just pull over to the side of the road and switch seats so you can drive me to the hospital.” He managed the 10-mile drive to the hospital, where he allowed me to grab a wheelchair to get him into the emergency room. Inside, I watched blood pour out when the nurses pulled his boot off. It turned out he had a compound fracture.

Clearly, reaching out to others for help is not something I was taught to do.

You may be wondering, then, how have I come to be writing an article about being emotionally vulnerable in groups? Given the way I was raised and the culture I grew up and work in, this is the last place in the world I’d want or expect to find myself. I don’t consider myself particularly weak or vulnerable. My job requires the opposite of me; I have to show courage and be strong for others. I had been in therapy once several years ago for help with some anxiety and stress issues, but my therapist had moved away and I felt better, so I didn’t take the time to find another one. I addressed it more as a strategy session than as therapy. I believe this is because, as Eve Sturges explains, I was looking for that step-by-step strategy to fix my problem and I didn’t view talking about my feelings as a useful part of the steps. I also told only a handful of people in my life that I had gone to therapy. This was intentional—a decision based on the fear of being emotionally vulnerable. I simply didn’t want to be viewed as weak and I believed that would happen if people knew I was struggling with my emotions.

So what went so wrong (or right) to bring me to the point that I’m sharing personal struggles and fears out in the world for other people to see? The answer is nothing. I finally realized no matter how much I wanted to believe I could deal with everything on my own, that’s not realistic. When I discovered that I’d been adopted, I was absolutely lost and felt totally alone. My wife was supportive, but there was no one who could really relate to the depth of loss that comes with such a discovery. My wife suggested I look on Facebook and see if there were groups formed by people who had experienced something similar. It sounded like a good idea, but I thought there would only be a handful of people at best who’ve gone through this. Instead, I found a community of thousands who have all experienced the same thing. So I lurked, devouring everyone else’s stories but not sharing my own. Over time, I observed more people sharing and receiving helpful and empathetic responses, which made me start feeling safe. And that feeling of safety finally led to me being comfortable enough to participate in the groups. I told my story to strangers who shared my experience and in return they gave me good advice and empathized. And I’ve taken it farther. Now I write about my experiences to a wider audience beyond the safety of private Facebook groups. In doing so, I’ve learned that sharing my stories has been deeply cathartic and healing. Every story I tell feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

As I talked to other men who have joined and participate in groups, I noticed their stories were similar to mine. They grew up learning to be self-sufficient and kept their emotions under wraps. I also noticed a common theme—a duty to keep family secrets private. I know there are many other men just like me trying to navigate their way through this NPE/MPE journey, many of them trying to go it alone. While there are likely a handful of people who can make this journey alone, I believe everyone can benefit from finding a community and experiencing its benefits.

My hope is that sharing this article and my other stories will let men know there’s a direct benefit from participating in Facebook and other support groups and sharing their stories. Cotey Bowman explains that when he works in group settings with men and is vulnerable himself, this modeled behavior is then reflected back as men in the group learn it’s safe to display emotions and vulnerability as sessions continue.Brad Ewell lives in Texas with his wife and three children. In 2019, he became a late discovery adoptee after taking a home DNA test. He feels he’s still very much in the middle of this journey and enjoys writing to help organize his thoughts and better understand his own story. Brad volunteers with Right to Know, a non-profit group dedicated to supporting people’s right to know their genetic identity. He’s told his story on two podcasts, NPE Stories and Sex, Lies, and the Truth. You can connect with him on Instagram @Brad1407, on Facebook, or email him at mpebrad@gmail.com.

Read more of his articles and essays: An Unexpected Abandonment, Dear Mom and Dad, and Watching and Waiting. *Eve Sturges is the host of a podcast, Everything’s Relative with Eve Sturges. Jodi Klugman-Rabb is the developer of Parental Identity Discovery and the co-host of the podcast Sex, Lies & the Truth. Cotey Bowman is the creator of the MPE Counseling Collective.BEFORE YOU GO…

Look on our home page for more articles about NPEs, adoptees, and genetic genealogy.

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By Jodi Klugman-Rabb, LMFTThe DNA discovery situation is unique in several ways. It’s unique to our time because of our access to science, and it’s unique in mental health because of the combination of issues triggered throughout the experience. Those who experience an unexpected DNA discovery may include adoptees, NPEs (not parent expected), and donor conceived individuals. Although they take different paths to their DNA discoveries, the emotional issues they experience along the way are quite related and, in some cases, identical. Yet, the mental health community isn’t at all well-prepared to deal with the DNA discovery experience.

Astonishingly, there are practicing therapists who cannot engage their empathy when facing a DNA discovery client. I hear stories of NPEs leaving sessions feeling worse than they did going in because the therapists dismissed their pain, just as their known families did. After seeking help to sort out their feelings and cope with their confusion, these clients leave with guilt added to the cornucopia of emotional turmoil, being told by therapists “he’s still your dad” or “it really hasn’t changed anything about you.”

In fact, much has changed for NPEs, but as in any case of grief, it often isn’t apparent to the outside observer. I counsel as many bereaved clients on how to engage support from loved ones as I do NPEs, and that’s because we as a species are not good at dealing with emotional pain. We want it to go away, to be as short lived as possible and be something someone else deals with. The DNA discovery experience rivals most traumas—with sudden grief and loss, unwanted changes in family dynamics, and profound identity confusion, all condensed in a short period of time.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I’m trained in all the areas triggered by the DNA discovery so I know to treat the discovery as a trauma that’s complicated with grief, identity crises, and the breakdown of interpersonal relationships. As a therapist, I’m skilled at the techniques and have the ability to recognize when something has crossed the threshold of normal to become clinically significant, and I have cultivated empathy as a general rule in the art of my field, because that’s the most important quality.

I recognized the need for a curriculum to organize how mental health professionals would respond to our fast-growing DNA discovery population, to help them access the skills they already had but didn’t know how to combine, so I created Parental Identity Discovery,™ a first of its kind treatment protocol dedicated to DNA discoveries. In more than 18 years of clinical practice, I’ve cultivated expertise needed for informed treatment of DNA discoveries: EMDR for trauma, grief counseling, and family systems and cognitive-behavioral theories. Living through the NPE discovery showed me how little I knew about identity, so I’ve set out to research everything my field has to offer and include it in the protocol, finding space for me to contribute to filling the gaps. Each aspect of the treatment relies on proven techniques to inform a new way of addressing generally individual issues.

Peer support is important in our large cohort to help people feel less alone and provide a more tolerant ear. But some people need more than peer support can offer, and for them, therapy can make all the difference. But it requires proper training and licensure. Finding a good therapist is harder than it needs to be, but they’re out there, and hopefully those who get adequate training specifically in the needs of NPEs will combine that special knowledge with the skills they most likely already have so they can truly be of service to people affected by DNA discoveries.Jodi Klugman-Rabb, LMFT practices in California. She writes about the NPE experience in the “Finding Family” blog for Psychology Today and hosts and produces the “Sex, Lies & the Truth” podcast. For more information on her work with DNA discovery go to her website or register for the training through Eventbrite.BEFORE YOU GO…

Look on our home page https://severancemag.comfor more articles about the experience of NPEs, adoptees, and donor-conceived individuals.

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By Jodi Klugman-Rabb, LMFTLife changing events such as grief and trauma have a way of changing relationships, too. Discovering a DNA surprise known as non-paternal event or not parent expected (NPE)—such as an adoption not previously disclosed, donor conception, or misattributed or falsified paternity—has been shown to have serious effects on family relationships, often pitting families against one another as secrets are uncovered and motives are questioned. The prevalence of commercial DNA testing in the last ten years has made possible the revelation of these secrets and contributed to a surge in grief, identity crises, and conflicts within families. Psychotherapy is catching up to this phenomenon, poised to be a source of support and skill building as clinicians gain training on the unique constellation of conditions these discoveries present. However, recently I heard this play out in the worst way imaginable on a podcast I never listen to. It was forwarded to me by a shocked friend who wondered what my response would be given my own experience and expertise on the subject.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality well-known for her “no nonsense” style, per her marketing. She’s been dispensing advice in a sensational manner for decades, touting her ability to save marriages. But surprisingly, her professional help is delivered in a style akin to that of Gordon Ramsey or Simon Cowell. The last time I listened to anything from Dr. Laura I was in college 20 years ago; it was a curious foray with a friend into one of her local presentations. We were intrigued by her “tell it like it is” style, which, at the time, didn’t seem bullying or hostile. This episode, however, is shockingly abusive and appallingly unprofessional, reflecting poorly on the mental health care field.

In an episode of her podcast “Call of the Day” that aired July 7, 2020, Dr. Laura took a call from Torri, who stated she was unsure how to carry on a relationship with her mom after she discovered her NPE status in the fall of 2019. Before Torrie had spoken more than three sentences to describe her problem, Dr. Laura shut her down with rude, demeaning assumptions about the case and commentary about her as a person, telling Torrie “I would rather smack you across the head than anything else right now, you ungrateful little twit.” It was difficult to listen to this five-minute podcast, let alone imagine how Torri felt after hanging up.

There are many stereotypes of therapists, and there are many types of therapists spanning the spectrum of good vs. bad. I’m a marriage and family therapist (LMFT) licensed by the State of California and I have also discovered my own NPE status, also now being referred to as “not parent expected,” an attempt to soften the title. Even if I weren’t able to relate to this life-changing experience Torri has had, I still could have responded as a compassionate and ethical clinician, something Dr. Laura didn’t do. Unfortunately, Torri is not protected by the traditional terms of the therapeutic relationship because she willingly gave up that privilege when she applied to be a caller on the show. Worse, she may never feel safe to seek professional mental health help again because she, like others, may mistake her experience with Dr. Laura for real therapy.

The ethical obligations of practitioners in the mental health field exist to protect consumers from ill-trained and harmful clinicians, the worst example of which is the reckless sort of abuse presented as help from Dr. Laura, who’s listed as an licensed marriage and family therapist in various websites but who doesn’t list the licensing state. Rather than displaying a professional demeanor consistent with the ethics of our field, Dr. Laura’s unbelievable behavior toward Torri is equivalent to the sort of disgust with which family members often treat NPEs, using shame, extreme defensiveness, and threats to protect their secrets. I can imagine if Torri had been allowed to speak, she might have described a situation where her mom responded as Dr. Laura did, confusing her about her rights and the validity of her feelings, which triggered her need for advice to begin with. The reason for this reaction from the mothers of NPEs is a narcissistic shame many of them feel for offending cultural or religious dictates, especially if their pregnancies were the result of sexual assaults. What was confusing was why Dr. Laura reacted with such hostility; did the severity of her reaction suggest she was hiding something herself?

Wikipedia suggests that before her mother’s death, Dr. Laura had been estranged from her for 18 to 20 years. If true, it might help explain her unforgivable lashing out at Torri. Could she have been projecting her own issues onto a caller and used them to act out her own frustrations about unresolved personal issues?

I discovered my own NPE story in 2017 and it has played out in both good and bad ways, a fact I have been very forthcoming about in my journey. I utilized my professional knowledge to build a first of its kind curriculum especially for the DNA discovery population, but as a therapist I didn’t need the personal experience with it in order to access my compassion and ethical training. I use my personal experience to help train other clinicians on how to combine skills to appropriately treat this unique population—an approach I call Parental Identity Discovery™. 

The overwhelming majority of therapists are skilled, ethical, supportive professionals who could never imagine harming a person the way Dr. Laura harmed Torri.

NPEs and adoptees can learn how to make sense of their overwhelming feelings and their grief and discover how to rebuild their identities. They can learn communication skills to work with family dynamics and create a plan of action as their journeys continue. There will be people to support them—new and existing family as well as friends they haven’t met in person but who are there in support groups to listen and lift them up.

If you or someone you know has discovered a surprise DNA, help is available. If your life has changed, please seek help and be assured you are valued. See the sidebar for sources for help in coping with DNA discoveries.Jodi Klugman-Rabb, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and licensed professional counselor in California. She sees NPEs in person in her private practice and via teletherapy throughout the state. She also offers virtual coaching for those living outside California, including a virtual support group for NPEs. She cohosts a podcast, Sex, Lies & The Truth, for NPEs and their families so they can feel connected to a larger community and learn about themselves as they go. In her Finding Family blog on Psychology Today, she writes about the unique aspects of being an NPE—what she now calls Parental Identity Discovery,™  the term she uses to title her certificate curriculum.RESOURCES

Adoptees, NPEs, Donor Conceived & Other Genetic Identity Seekers

Adoptees Only: Found/Reunion The Next Chapter

DNA NPE Fellowship 

Jodi Klugman-Rabb, LMFT

NPE Only: After the Discovery

Right To Know 

Severance MagazineBEFORE YOU GO…

Look on our home page https://severancemag.comfor more articles about the NPE experience

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Any surprise can be traumatic, but a DNA surprise raises one of life’s most fundamental questions: Who am I? Your very identity is made up of your memories, your shared stories, and experiences with family and friends. When you find out that something is not true, or not exactly true, it is a major shock to your emotional system.It is easy to tell yourself, “This is no big deal. I should be able to handle this.” But “handling something” is a process. And that process may involve feeling upset and expressing various emotions. Like any trauma, the emotional reactions can come in waves and when you least expect them. You and your family members both may minimize your experience by emphasizing you had good parents, you shouldn’t be upset, or even that you’re being selfish by looking for answers. I tell people that I don’t know what qualifies as an overreaction to news that changes your understanding of your world. Your reaction is not a sign of emotional weakness—it’s a sign that you are in touch with reality enough that you react when reality changes. I suggest you accept your reactions, your feelings, as being there. Accept that they are what you need to feel in the moment. There’s no need to try changing them—that doesn’t work anyway. You need to work through the process.There can be depression, with low mood and irritability, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, poor concentration, and an inability to focus on work. There might be anger. Part of what makes this kind of trauma so difficult is that you might think it’s not really that big of a deal—others have it worse. And it’s true, others have it worse. But trauma is not a contest—you can have all the emotions anyway. You are not weak.Yes. Sometimes you just can’t process everything at once and you will feel disoriented and unable to concentrate. The news can be so big that it’s like your circuits are overloaded.Yes. Research has shown for many years that stressful life events (both good stress and bad stress) have an impact on our health. It is important that you allow yourself to experience your emotions and not waste energy on fighting them. You might look at the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory.It’s important to accept our reactions as normal. The more we fight them or argue that there’s something wrong with us for reacting, the longer it will take to move forward, the longer it will take to heal. Journaling can be immensely helpful. Write down what you’re feeling, even if it seems extreme or overly dramatic. It isn’t. It’s the reality of what you are feeling in the moment. Meditation can be helpful, but if you can’t slow your mind down, that’s ok. Notice and accept that your mind is racing. If you’re able to exercise, that’s a great way of dealing with stress and clearing the mind. Reaching out to understanding friends is important. And there’s a large community online going through similar things. (Use the Resources tab on the Severance home page to find some of these.)I encourage people to move slowly in the process—think of yourself as writing a novel. What information do you need to make the characters more interesting, to make them sympathetic. Is there a way that you can make their behavior understandable? For example, a teenage girl that became pregnant in the past may not have been allowed much say in whether or not to keep the baby or put the child up for adoption. Going back even further in time, a single female may not have had the opportunity to earn a living wage and therefore couldn’t provide for a child. A father may not have known of a child’s existence. There are many more examples I can give. On the other hand, what you learn now becomes part of your story and, if you’re someone reading this, you’re likely the kind of person that wants to know your whole story. Being understanding and sympathetic toward others doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to experience your own emotions, though.

The most important thing is to take care of yourself. Ask yourself what you, yourself, need. Try to find a way to meet that need, but keep in mind you can’t control other people.

Therapy can be very helpful at any point in the process. A good therapist helps you reflect on who you are and who you want to be. Ultimately, you are the author of your story, no matter how many plot twists get added to that story. I would consider therapy necessary and would encourage you to seek help if you’re having symptoms of depression or trauma—low mood, irritability, sleep or appetite problems, inability to concentrate, relationship problems.Searching for answers can be all-consuming. We live in an age in which we can binge-watch on Netflix and learn the answer to a mystery on a television show within hours. When it comes to family mysteries, we have search engines, DNA, and genealogy services. There’s a lot we can learn quickly. But definitive answers can take a long time. Others may not understand our obsession—even others affected by the discovery of a family secret may not care like you do. It’s a very personal thing. It’s important to keep in mind that we can’t necessarily find answers quicker by working harder. As an example, I have spent two years searching for my grandfather’s birth parents. I found his likely father fairly quickly, but could find nothing on his mother. I gave up for a while and came back to the search and found I had earlier ruled out a group of people for some reason. This group has turned out to offer my best leads in my search. It’s important to take care of yourself. Meditate, exercise, sleep, stay in touch with your friends, get out of the house. All of these things will make your search more efficient. Taking care of yourself helps you think more clearly. All of these strategies are part of accepting our humanity, accepting that we don’t control how our bodies and minds react. This includes accepting that other people may be doing their best—we just don’t always know their stories, why they react the way they do. We need to take care of ourselves so we don’t lose ourselves in the process.Keep in mind that what you find in the search will trigger all kinds of emotions. You may find people who share DNA with you, but nothing else. A newfound relative may have no interest in a relationship, or on the other hand, may want more of your time and energy than you want to give. It’s a process, and you may not know what you want until you start finding answers to the secret, until you find these relatives. Don’t assume they’ll want the same things you do. Also, it’s important to keep asking yourself: “What is it I really want? What am I searching for? What values of mine will this search, and its possible answers, satisfy?”We are all ultimately seeking connection and belonging. Unfortunately, life is not clean. We don’t all fit into perfectly designed family trees. It’s estimated that 7% of Americans are adopted or in foster care. Add on top of that all the individuals who grew up in a “nuclear” family but were conceived outside of the marriage or through donors. That’s a huge percentage of us. It is important that we work to remove the stigma of this. We didn’t choose how we came into this world. It’s important that we not stigmatize ourselves. We are just as legitimate as anyone else.

We also need to keep in mind that we may be rejected by newfound biological parents. We need to keep our fantasies in check. These biological relatives are human beings, with strengths and with flaws, just like everyone else. Other people may not understand our need to search and they may have no desire to know the answers themselves. We need to accept that.

Greg Markway, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in St. Louis, Missouri. He became interested in genetic genealogy while searching for the roots of his grandfather, who came to Missouri from New York on an orphan train in 1896.

Read more about shock and trauma related to DNA surprises here and here, and return to the home page for more articles about genetic identity.

BEFORE YOU GO…

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• Tell us your stories. See guidelines at https://severancemag.com/submission-guidelines/
• If you’re an NPE, adoptee, or donor conceived person; a sibling of someone in one of these groups; or a helping professional (for example, a therapist or genetic genealogist) you’re welcome to join our private Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/402792990448461
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Joyful reunions have become a television staple. Less frequently told are the stories of the unsuccessful searches and unhappy reunions. Adoptees, donor-conceived people, and NPEs (not parent expected) risk being spurned when they reach out to biological family members, and rejection may cause significant distress. We asked Lisa Bahar, a licensed marriage and family therapist and licensed professional clinical counselor in Newport Beach, California, about how rejection may influence and interfere with interpersonal relationships, how individuals can help soothe themselves, and how therapy might help.Yes. If individuals ruminate and fixate on the thought of rejection, they may find they’re setting themselves for up interpersonal interactions that fall in line with their core belief that they are rejected and will be rejected. On the other hand, in a therapeutic environment or process, it may be a way to work through rejection and explore it for the purpose of gaining acceptance of self.It can produce general anxiety symptoms, depression, feelings of disconnect, and fear of intimacy.  Anxiety is a symptom of avoiding the discomfort of deep emotional pain that has not been worked through.Fear of getting hurt can set up you up for hurting others before they hurt you—a conflicted desire to get close, but then pushing away, rejecting other people’s love due to not feeling comfortable being loved. Sometimes it’s easier to be rejected. It’s known and familiar. A running theme in intimate relationships is looking to someone to accept you, and that may and most likely will turn into deep need, which can manifest in rage-like behavior when you’re left or not reassured that the person will return.Belonging would be about feeling accepted and willing to take a chance to make efforts to belong. It takes a lot of courage to work through the feelings of rejection. Learning how to let go of people is a significant step toward being accepted and belonging. Practicing that sense of freedom helps with interpersonal relationships and lets you create a connection that’s healthier and more fulfilling versus controlling, demanding, insisting, or guilting people into having you feel like you belong, which ironically sets up the cycle to be rejected.I would say try professional therapy relationships versus friends and family. It seems reasonable to turn to family and friends, however, starting with a therapist or maybe a trusted religion or spiritual practitioner may be a more effective alternative. Friends and family are well meaning, but they may not understand the depths of the disconnect that is at the core of the trauma of being rejected.Be willing to address it by noticing when you are feeling rejected. Set up a self-soothing kit that will calm your mind when you feel rejected, for example, warm clothing, soothing refreshment (not mood altering), sensory experiences that are comforting to the 5 senses to help you feel more connected to life. Creating a sensory experience might involve putting in your room flowers or a painting or work of art that’s pleasing to the eye, candles or atmospheric lighting, comforters that are attractive and warm, and bed linens that feel nice. It might mean having hot tea or another warm and soothing beverage for taste. For sound, it might mean playing music that’s calming, versus thoughtful or stimulating. Put together a list of books that will help you improve your feelings of acceptance, such as loving kindness or spiritual books. Learn about imagery so you can envision a place when you are feeling rejected. The comfort of a pet may help. If your pet appreciates being petted, you benefit and the pet does too. Practicing a loving kindness and compassion practice can help calm the mind. You remind yourself that you are safe, you are content, you are accepted. When practiced regularly, it trains the mind to accept yourself versus the negative negative self-talk. The mind is powerful and will accept what you tell it if you practice.Depending on the severity, most likely psychodynamic therapy will work with severe symptoms of abandonment. Object Relations and Gestalt therapies can be helpful. Psychodynamic therapy is a form of treatment that explores how an individual experiences symptoms of distress based on what is unconscious, and therapists work with clients to bring the unconsciousness into the conscious. This is important when working through jealousy due to the abandonment and the fear of rejection associated with this. This therapy focuses on childhood experiences as a way to understand current symptoms that are seemingly unhealthy. For example, a child rejected by his mother may set up an experience of rejection from others or even go so far as to reject his mate before she rejects him to avoid the discomfort of jealousy. And since many of these individuals have experienced trauma, EMDR and other trauma-informed therapies might also be helpful.I have had clients experience this. Rejection is a trauma and it deserves to be worked through. Therapy is essential, and the desire to find some kind of meaning from the experience would be the goal. Existential therapies can be helpful for this experience. Existential therapies look for meaning and purpose—why you are here. They also look at anxiety as an opportunity to be creative and face fears to create new experiences. Anxiety is seen as a launch to new beginnings.Learn to practice a willingness to turn your mind toward accepting that rejection is related to further acceptance of self. If you can love and accept yourself in whatever method you choose, then you will be equipped to deal with others who may reject you. The reality is, rejection is part of being in the world, and the key is not to try and avoid it, but rather to see it as an opportunity to explore parts of yourself you want to accept, change parts that don’t fit with your meaning and life purpose, and discover ways to be gentle with yourself when this inevitable experience occurs. Someone one told me, “If everyone likes you, you have a problem.”Lisa Bahar is licensed marriage and family therapist and licensed professional clinical counselor. She specializes in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and provides psychotherapy to individuals, couples, and families. She’s an adjunct faculty member at Pepperdine University’s Graduate School of Education and Psychology Master of Arts in Clinical Psychology program with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy.

Read more about rejection here, and return to our home page for more articles on genetic identity issues.

By B.K. JacksonWhen Julie Lopez was born, she was removed from her first mother and taken to an orphanage, where she lived without a primary caregiver for two months until she was adopted. She had a good upbringing in a loving home, yet for much of her life was troubled by puzzling symptoms. At one point, for example, she experienced dizzy spells and disorientation that made her feel “as if time moved out of space.” She went to a neurologist who prescribed medication for what he believed to be extra electrical activity in her brain. “My life was pretty great, so some of the symptoms I had were inexplicable to me.”

It’s a phenomenon she believes is common among people who believe their early lives were essentially carefree. After working with a therapist skilled in brain-based therapies, she came to know that some of her symptoms were triggered by behavior-influencing codes stored in her implicit memory — the memory that can’t be consciously accessed. As a result of that therapy, the symptoms dissipated. Lopez attributes much of her own personal therapeutic success to those early experiences with brain-based work.

Cracking those codes is the subject of her new book, “Live Empowered!: Rewire Your Brain’s Implicit Memory to Thrive in Business, Love and Life.” There, she explores how these memories, which normally help people function efficiently, can become tripwires, setting off cascades of negative emotions and destructive symptoms.How can you be affected by experiences about which you have no memory or that happened before you were able to understand and express them through language?

It all begins in the hippocampus, a part of the limbic system, which controls the autonomic nervous system. It’s the part of the brain “responsible for coding and putting date and time stamps on our explicit memory — the memory we can consciously recall,” says Lopez. There are four circumstances during which information is stored in implicit memory.

1. When an individual is in the first three years of life, before the hippocampus is fully developed
2. Following a physical brain injury that damages the hippocampus
3. When stress levels are high, cortisol levels rise, and the hippocampus shuts off
4. When bodies dissociate from the experience of extreme trauma and the hippocampus similarly shutters.

Implicit memory, says Lopez — founder of the Viva Center, a Washington, DC community of therapists specializing in brain- and body-based therapies and a trauma-informed approach to healing — is a concept developed in the early 1900s by a number of scientists in different disciplines to explain how our systems hold data that we don’t consciously remember.

Every human, says Lopez, has implicit memory, which she describes as a hidden control panel in the brain — not one you can consciously direct, yet which holds all the data that informs how we live. “Everything stored in implicit memory is there to help us in our most primary function, which is to survive and to excel.” Although we can’t directly tap into this vast reservoir of experiential data, it nonetheless influences our behavior and wellbeing, both positively and negatively.

Suppose, for example, there had been a time you felt unsafe during your infancy and that period of danger coincided with a terrible windstorm. Those experiences were encoded in your implicit memory. Now, when a strong wind blows, you may feel your heart rate rise, your palms sweat, and your breath quicken — reactions that may make you afraid of going outside. You don’t remember the inciting event or the windstorm. All you know is that when the wind kicks up, it stirs strong emotions. Or perhaps you were terribly frightened in infancy by a man with a big bushy moustache. Even now, without knowing why, you may recoil from anyone with similar facial hair. These implicit memories can be triggered by any sensory information — a scent, a color, a sound, or anything felt or observed.Infants and babies taken from their birthmothers tend to perceive that severance as a danger, a threat to their well-being. The physical sensations associated with being removed from their mothers and the consequent feelings of being unsafe are stored in the body and the mind as implicit memories — remnants of trauma that remain and can cause distress throughout life. But because individuals don’t understand these as memories — that is, as narratives they can express — they may not identify their experiences as traumatic or link their distress symptoms to these early preverbal experiences.

The loss of a primary care person, Lopez explains, is significant, and deprives a child of mirroring (when a parent reflects a baby’s emotions as expressed by voice or expression) and attunement (a sense of safety that develops when parents are responsive to an infant’s needs). Often, those who didn’t have those primal experiences have symptoms of anxiety related to friendships and intimate relationships. “That struggle can look like any part of the classic symptoms for PTSD,” says Lopez. “It doesn’t mean they meet the diagnostic criteria, but they’ll exhibit avoidance of things associated with vulnerability in relationships.” Other symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares, dissociation (a sense of separation or disconnection from oneself), anxiety, and depression. They may rely on coping strategies to avoid having to be close, such as excessive drug or alcohol use or other types of behavioral addictions that help them avoid what they see as threatening.

“There may be codes that are put in our brains that tell us the way to get through life is not to attach to people, because when you really attach, you get hurt,” says Lopez. Many people who’ve had great losses in their lives or in relationships, she adds, have had those types of codes embedded without being consciously aware of it. She’s worked with clients who say they want a relationship, yet their behavior tells a different story because of those codes. Thus, for reasons they can’t understand, adoptees may fear being abandoned, be unable or afraid to securely attach to others, or find it difficult to trust people.

Similarly, those who were not raised by their genetic parents, even though they may not have been aware of that fact until adulthood — NPEs (non-paternal events or not parent expected), donor conceived people, late-discovery adoptees — also are likely to have been imprinted with memories about which they have no conscious awareness and which may cause dis-ease. They may react in ways they don’t understand to people, places, sights, sounds, smells, or other sensations associated with childhood experiences.

NPEs and others also may have stored sensory data from subtle or outright signals they observed that indicated they didn’t belong, were unwanted, or were a source of conflict between their parents — sensations that may stimulate feelings of disconnect, alienation, and inauthenticity. “When a child grows up without genetic mirroring and in situations in which there is deception — when the parents are actually sitting on a secret — the child picks up on data energetically, in a nonverbal way, and those pieces of information can be stored in implicit memory,” says Lopez.

Furthermore, she adds, “There are some physical and visceral experiences that go along with being disconnected from people that you’re related to.” Although in her practice she most often sees clients with expressions of anxiety, others may present with feelings of hopelessness and despair. There may be uncomfortable bodily sensations and symptoms such as those associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder, “where they have a compulsive drive to put things where they belong or keep things in order or a difficulty handling stress either personally or professionally. They may have overly controlling behavior because it feels scary to loosen the reins on relationships.”

They don’t grasp that they’re being triggered by unconscious memories. It’s as if they’re being sent signals that they can’t  see, hear, or understand. So the feelings their memories engender may seem to make no sense and to be incongruous to the situations in which they arise. And when symptoms occur, clients have no reason to suspect they’re linked to past experiences. But, says Lopez, symptoms are always telling a story. The question, she adds, isn’t what’s wrong with you, but what happened to you? When they don’t know the answer — when they’re unable to peg their symptoms to something in their past that was destructive — they may feel there’s something wrong with them, that they’re broken or defective.Lopez is dedicated to changing these destructive patterns and helping individuals realize that symptoms occur for a reason. Since traditional talk therapies are typically ineffective for treating issues arising from memories for which one has no words, she sees it as her mission to help people use more pinpointed techniques that have been advancing in the last 30 years. In “Live Empowered!” she describes three brain-based therapies — Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Brainspotting, and Neurofeedback — through which therapists can access the mind’s hidden control panel, explore the root causes of obstacles, and reprogram responses and behaviors.

Developed by clinical psychologist Francine Shapiro to mitigate symptoms linked to traumatic memories, EMDR is an evidence-based therapeutic method that relies on bilateral brain stimulation, whether through eye movements, sound, or touch, to target and process memories stored in the nervous system and manage maladaptive behaviors that stem from them.

David Grand, PhD, who discovered Brainspotting, describes a brain spot as a “a point in visual space that a client has a strong reaction to.” With his technique, a therapist uses a pointer to guide clients’ eye movements across their fields of vision to help identify those points, which, Lopez writes, “hold an active memory (explicit and implicit) tied to an undesired symptom or corresponding to the neural pathway you want to modify.” Brainspotting helps them process and let go of the stored emotions.

Neurofeedback, or electroencephalogram biofeedback, is a therapeutic strategy that that tracks brainwave activity and teaches clients to modify their brainwaves. When those modifications move in a direction that influences the brain to function more efficiently, clients receive visual, auditory, or other types of feedback that reinforce their efforts.

Each of these techniques is effective due to neuroplasticity — the brain’s ability to adapt, reorganize, and form new neural connections. These aren’t the only approaches to accessing implicit memory and treating trauma. Other approaches falling under the umbrella of somatic therapy are used by some therapists to target the encoded memories through the body rather than the mind. And therapists can use many additional nonverbal approaches outlined in “Live Empowered!” to decode implicit memory.

Working with implicit memory, Lopez observes, is a great opportunity to clear troubles or roadblocks that might otherwise impede individuals for the rest of their lives. “It’s about changing the codes that are driving what’s going on now so that people can live more productive lives, be successful, and feel good about themselves.”

Check back for more in-depth explorations of these individual brain-based therapies as well as somatic therapies that may also be helpful for problems arising from trauma stored in implicit memory.In addition to reading her book, you can learn more about Lopez and the techniques she uses at her website and in this episode of the Adoptees On podcast.