Caring and Sharing: Peer Support on Facebook

If you’ve only recently learned that the mother or father you grew up with isn’t your genetic parent, there’s a good chance you don’t know anyone who’s had a similar experience. You may feel bewildered and alone. Unfortunately, the bewilderment may last a bit as you adjust to a significant shift in your understanding of your world and your place in it. But you needn’t ever feel alone.

Facebook is home to numerous peer support groups made up of people who know what you’re going through — those who understand and can empathize. In most cases, these groups are private, so you can feel comfortable disclosing the raw feelings and sensitive thoughts you’re not prepared or willing to share with others. These groups can be havens for people who feel isolated, marginalized, or stigmatized and they give voice to people who have felt silenced or unheard. They offer 24/7 access to someone who will listen to your story or respond to your questions. You’ll find camaraderie, encouragement, resources, and stories that likely will resonate.

If you need to learn more about DNA and how to use it to find family, there’s a group for that. If you want to connect with people who are adopted, donor-conceived, or NPEs (non-parental events or not parent expected), you’ll find more than a few useful groups.

While sitting face-to-face in a true support group moderated by a helping professional might be ideal, such groups are few and far between. When in-person support groups aren’t available to you, the next best thing is a virtual peer group. The goal of these groups is to create a safe space in which you can express anything you need to get off your chest, relatively free of judgment, criticism, or recrimination. (Relatively because . . . well . . . people are people and every so often we speak without thinking.) In private groups, nothing you contribute or receive from the members goes beyond the groups. Because they’re secret or closed, only you can see them in your Facebook feed, and when you post, none of your contacts outside of the group can see what you post.

Peer support offers numerous benefits. Research has shown it may boost self-esteem and confidence, help improve mood, and increase coping abilities. Reading others’ stories may make you feel less adrift and more connected to people who get you, which can be especially important when those close to you may not understand or know how to help. Finding your feelings mirrored in others’ can be comforting and stabilizing — helping you realize it’s the situation you’re in that’s crazy, not you. In addition, those who’ve been on the same path a little longer than you may have developed practical resources and coping strategies that will give you new perspective, and you’ll see that many of those farther out on the journey you’re just beginning may deliver the hopeful message that that healing and coping are possible.

And while listening and learning is most helpful for some, having a place to express themselves, even just to vent and blow off steam, is most valuable to others. For many, the greatest benefit comes from providing comfort and support, because helping others is a way of moving forward and making meaning.

For Cassandra Adams, 36, who learned just before her 35^th birthday that she was donor conceived, Facebook groups have been a lifeline. Especially helpful for her have been We Are Donor Conceived and DNA NPE Friends, along with a smaller group specifically for people like her who’ve just discovered a Jewish heritage. She’s also found participation in groups related to activism regarding donor conception to be empowering. “There are groups where we discuss issues surrounding donor conception with prospective parents and small groups where donor conceived people can safely vent and strategize our activism goals.”

“Fellow members,” Adams says, “have been the only ones who can truly understand the thoughts and feelings I have about this area of my life,” an area she feels has enveloped her life. It’s in these groups, she says, that strangers become more than confidants. “We’ve found ourselves disconnected from biological family, and our conversations with one another, regardless of the physical distance between us, starts with the most intimate details of our existence at the very beginning.” In the groups, she adds, are shared “all of our darkest secrets, from before we were even conceived. And with that kind of comfort level, I have to say that many of my closest friends at this point are people I have only come to know in the last 20 months of my life.”

Facebook groups, linking strangers in this way across the miles, create a sense of kinship. “Organizing community has been important to me when I feel we as NPEs or donor conceived people are already suffering from that emotional detachment from our families of origin and our friends,” says Adams. “All of us have unique issues to work on, for which having a variety of groups has been invaluable.”

While groups offer many benefits, it’s also important to recognize their limitations. Unless it’s run by a trained professional, a Facebook group “should never be perceived as a ‘support group,’ as the moderators are not licensed or clinically trained,” says Krista Driver, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and CEO of Mariposa Women & Family Center in Southern California. “With a public forum like Facebook, everyone has the ability to offer advice, ideas, opinions, and they’re not always clinically sound or beneficial.”

Beth Kane, a New Jersey clinical social worker, agrees. Support groups, she acknowledges, are wonderful resources, but should be facilitated by a professional or at least someone who has been extensively trained in whatever the topic is. That’s not to say she doesn’t see the value in Facebook groups, but she offers this caveat. “Peer support can’t be under-rated, and I think it’s a huge help to people, but when you’re dealing with high-level emotional stuff, it’s even easier for people to be led astray, though not maliciously, which could complicate things for them even further. There’s tremendous value in peer support and not feeling so alone, but when advice is given to someone who’s really struggling, it can be a bit of a slippery slope.” Everyone’s experience is unique, and different things work for different people, she says. “In addition, well-meaning people may also invalidate how someone is feeling. For each person in the group, there’s going to be a different perspective, which can be tremendously helpful and also not so much.”

So keep in mind being adopted, an NPE, or donor-conceived doesn’t necessarily make someone an expert on the subject, but only an expert on their own experience. They may have no more wisdom than you do. Still, there’s much you might gain from listening to their stories and hearing about what’s worked for them. But think carefully before taking advice, particularly when it comes to emotional, legal, and family matters. Listen to what others have been through and assess it critically in light of your own situation and needs. If you require advice about sensitive matters, especially behavioral health concerns, seek credentialed experts who have experience with related issues.

Another concern about groups is privacy. When choosing a group, pay attention to the level of privacy it offers. Anyone can see the membership of public groups and the posts of members. Closed groups are private, meaning while they can be searched for and found on the Internet to allow new members to join, members’ names and posts cannot be seen by anyone outside the group. Secret groups add an extra layer of privacy and cannot be found on the Internet.

While members of private and secret groups are prohibited from sharing group content outside the group and must pledge to maintain members’ privacy, on very rare occasions breaches have happened. As with all online activities, it might be prudent for users to be careful not to post personal information such as home addresses, phone numbers, or medical information. Be careful, too, when posting not to reveal private information about others, and be sure that when you post, you are in fact posting to the group and not to your own personal Facebook page.

Following is a small sampling of the many peer groups available on Facebook.

This magazine has its own private group for anyone who’s discovered that, as a result of any circumstance, they’re not genetically related to the families they grew up in. Relatives and allies are welcome. In addition, there are multiple groups with a narrower focus, targeted specifically, for example, to NPEs, adoptees, late-discovery adoptees in particular, or donor conceived individuals. Some have strict membership criteria and others may allow family members and allies. Others offer support and practical assistance to those who are searching for family.

DNA, Genetic Genealogy, and Search Sites

A closed group for anyone using DNA to find biological family, DNA Detectives, created by CeCe Moore, has been responsible for countless reunions. Help comes not only from DNA Detectives’ team of administrators and search experts, but also from its nearly 115,000 members. It’s an essential resource for beginners who want to understand their DNA results and learn how to use them to find family.

DD Social, a closed subgroup of DNA Detectives, is a place for social interaction and support concerning DNA testing, genealogy, and the search for unknown parents.

Search Squad is a free locator group for adoptees, birth parents and family, and genealogy.

Groups for NPEs

Begun in 2017, DNA NPE Friends is a secret group open to NPEs and offering emotional support and encouragement. Its founder, Catherine St Clair, has been featured frequently in the media, drawing attention to the experience of NPEs and driving the group’s membership toward 6,000 individuals. There are numerous special interest groups under the banner of NPE Friends as well, including those for mothers of NPEs and for individuals affected by another’s NPE. The community also has a group for adoptees, regardless of whether they are NPEs. When one member was struggling with the newfound knowledge that her dad wasn’t her biological father, a friend told her she’d read an article about DNA NPE Friends. “I looked into it because I thought I was all alone with my struggles,” she says. “When I became a member, my heart grew by leaps and bounds.” To keep DNA NPE Friends secret and unsearchable yet allow people who need it to find it, St Clair created a closed searchable group, membership in which leads to membership in the private group. Join by contacting the DNA NPE Gateway.

Other groups for NPEs include NPE Only: After the Discovery and Severance’s group, Adoptees, NPEs, Donor Conceived and Other Genetic Identity Seekers. 

Groups for Adoptees

The Adoptee Support Group is open to adoptees, biological parents, and anyone searching for biological family, and the Adult Forum for Late-Discovery Adoptees’ membership is limited to late-discovery adoptees. There are a number of groups devoted to the needs of transracial adoptees, including TAP 101 for Adult Transracial Adoptees. The Adoption Reunion Search and Support Group is for those interested in finding family and navigating reunions. Adoptees Only: Found/Reunion The Next Chapter is for adoptees in any stage of reunion.

Groups about Donor Conception

We Are Donor Conceived, with more than 1,000 members worldwide, is a companion group to an organization of the same name. It’s a place where donor conceived individuals can connect and share as well as find original content from the organization’s website. According to its founder, Erin Jackson, “frequent topics include how to reach out to newly discovered relatives, how to respond to friends and family members who aren’t supportive or understanding, and advocacy efforts.” In addition, she says, members often post photos of their meetings with donor conceived siblings and biological parents. Members frequently express gratitude for the group, Jackson says, “often because their partners, friends, or close family members do not understand their feelings and can’t be supportive of their desire to meet and develop relationships with donor siblings or their genetic mothers or fathers.”

DNA for the Donor Conceived, from the DNA Detectives, is a closed group in which donor-conceived individuals can find help and support when searching for biological family members. It’s for donor conceived offspring, siblings, and parents (sperm, egg, embryo) and for anyone considering donor conception.

To find other groups, enter a subject in the search bar on Facebook or check our Resources pages.