Learning about family secrets that fracture your sense of identity can be profoundly shocking and destabilizing. If you’ve experienced a powerful emotional blow that’s left you feeling bruised, battered, and off balance, though you may not recognize it as such, what you’re experiencing is trauma. If you’ve been told or you suspect you’re overacting, be assured that feeling traumatized is a completely normal response to an exceedingly distressing event. While many around you may not understand or take seriously your feelings and expect you to brush it off and get over it—trauma isn’t something you just get over. It needs to be acknowledged and addressed, and it may be useful or even necessary to seek professional help that will allow you to move forward with less distress and integrate the experience into your life
Jamie Marich, PhD, a clinical trauma specialist, talks with us about recognizing trauma, understanding its consequences, and helpful strategies. She’s founder of the Institute for Creative Mindfulness and the author of seven books on trauma healing and recovery. Among the approaches she uses with clients are EMDR therapy, mindfulness, yoga, dance, reiki, and expressive arts. She’s led trauma recovery retreats at the Kripalu School for Yoga & Health in Massachusetts’ Berkshire Mountains and at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California. Her most recent book, published this year, is Process Not Perfection: Expressive Arts Solutions for Trauma Recovery.
Can you comment about the ways in which the revelation of a family secret that upends one’s sense of identity—and the feelings of anger and betrayal that follow—might be perceived as trauma or emotional shock?
Trauma comes from the Greek word meaning wound, and in its most general sense, trauma means any unhealed wound. These wounds can be physical, emotional, social, sexual, spiritual. So yes, the revelations of these secrets can certainly be wounding to the individual hearing them, and if they do not receive the proper support and/or treatment to heal the wound, the impact can fester. We are increasingly understanding that trauma is a subjective experience, so what may be traumatic or a shock on the system to one person may be rather innocuous to another person. So it’s important that we validate the individual’s experience of the wounding and address accordingly.
Is there research indicating that significant shocks have an impact on wellbeing?
I don’t use the term shock as much as I use the word trauma, and yes, it’s plentiful. Just take a look at the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE Study) which is popular for the most cursory example of this.
What are some of the symptoms of trauma?
The symptoms can manifest differently for different folks. You may notice that your emotions are clouding your intellectual abilities, which can make it hard to focus at work, school, in life. You may notice extreme displays of emotion, like tears you feel will never stop, or, on the other end of the spectrum, a sense of emotional shutdown and numbness. Sometimes people go into high alert over what else could happen and may have a hard time falling asleep. Some people may sleep excessively. Dissociation or feeling checked out or otherwise “zoned out” can also be a part of this phenomenon.
There’s a well-known quote that’s often attributed to Viktor Frankl: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Would you agree that it might be worthwhile for people to take a breath, sit with the new information, let it settle in before taking action?
Fun fact: Rollo May published this and is generally credited with the teaching, not Viktor Frankl, although Frankl was May’s friend and contemporary. Most people recognize the Viktor Frankl name and connection more.
Anything that helps you to expand that space is always a good idea. For many it’s taking one breath or several, for others it’s taking a walk, exercising, making art, or engaging in other practices that help them be more mindful and manage stress. Mindfulness practice expands the space of which May and Frankl speak. Embodied practices can also do the same thing for people. Sometimes, though, the impact of unhealed trauma/stress can make it difficult to even access the practices, which is where professional therapeutic interventions may be needed and can help.
Since revelation of family secrets is often stressful, would you recommend stress management as one of the initial steps? Might mindfulness practices serve people well at this point?
Yes is the short answer. As long as the practices are taught in a way that meets the person where they are and do not become one more way that the person beats up on themselves. For instance, some perfectionists feel they have to do meditation “perfectly” and this defeats the purpose.
The repercussions of family secrets can be overwhelming for many and linger over time as individuals learn more, process the information, possibly search for family with positive or negative outcomes, and deal with the fallout in their families. For many, thoughts about the surprise can be obsessive, or efforts to find family can be all-consuming. How important is it to focus on wellness in the immediate aftermath of a shock—attending not only to stress but to getting adequate sleep, eating well, and exercising?
Attending to the wounding (trauma) that can result from shocking family information is similar to what is needed after any physical injury—care. The best care is holistic—attending to all aspects of self. In addition to some of the emotional first aid that we discussed previously, getting enough rest, drinking enough water, eating well, and steering clear of numbing activities like drinking alcohol/doing drugs is advised. While these numbing strategies may help short-term, they can complicate the healing process in the long run.
Revelation of family secrets can be stigmatizing and isolating. Is it important for people to make an effort to spend time with friends and family?
It totally depends on the person and the nature of the relationships they have with friends and family. If friends are healthy and supportive, absolutely. If the family members involved in the family secrets do not feel safe, at least in the short term, it may be appropriate to take some time and space away from them while the person heals themselves—even if their intention long-term is to heal the family relationship.
If it’s important to stay connected with friends and family for support, but family relationships are strained by the secret and friends may not understand, what might help?
In addition to what I said earlier, I always encourage people with a strong network of friends to consider what the term ‘family of choice” means to them. For many people with toxic or strained family relationships, it may become more helpful to lean in to those friends who have more adaptive/healthy qualities that they wish of their family.
What are some other ways individuals can help themselves to absorb the shock and figure out how to move forward?
Professional therapy with someone who understands trauma and the dynamics of development, betrayal, and family dynamics could be extremely helpful. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of potential providers beforehand. Some people also find learning something new, even if this is taking up new hobby, as a constructive way to be open to new things—which can be a useful adjunct in the healing process.
At what point or under what circumstances do you think therapy might be useful or even necessary?
When you have tried everything that seems healthy outside of therapy to cope and move through the information and you are still feeling stuck in life; although as a therapist I feel that professional therapy can always be appropriate during times of adjustment and transition. [Editor’s note: Not all practitioners are equipped to help clients with trauma, and not all therapeutic approaches are effective. As Marich advised, look for a therapist with extensive training and specialization in trauma.]
Learn more about Marich, her books, online courses, and resources at her website and at The Institute for Creative Mindfulness. And look for videos on her online resources portal that teach content in an accessible style.
Look for more articles about aspects of trauma and various therapeutic approaches upcoming in Severance.
