23andMe had reported I was 50% Scottish, and now it was official.
By Jodi Klugman-Rabb
Two years ago, I discovered a birth father I knew nothing about after taking a 23andMe DNA test for fun. I hired a genealogist to locate him and, against her expert advice, went to his home to meet him when he ignored my phone calls. This man’s interest eventually overcame his denial and we began a relationship as father and daughter. With him came aunts, an uncle, cousins, a brother, a sister-in-law, and a nephew—instant family! As I met each of them, in turn they welcomed me with the typical Scottish declaration, “Welcome to the clan!” 23andMe had reported I was 50% Scottish, and now it was official.
With a major life cycle transition, there’s usually an official event: a wedding shower, baby shower, baby naming, a birthday party—a welcoming of a new stage or a new person, with all the accompanying pomp and circumstance of tradition. Interestingly, my official welcome to the clan occurred over the Jewish New Year— Rosh Hashana—also a time of new beginnings and discovery. The very nature of a new year is a beginning, albeit symbolic if not psychological.
When we have a difficult year, we can’t wait for the official ending and symbolic beginning of the next revolution around the sun—almost as if beginning again acts as a type of psychological barrier, representing an end to the difficulty. Yin and yang depict the necessary opposites of light and dark forces inherent to all aspects of creation—the seasons and the cycle of life, for example. A new beginning occurs on the heels of something ending. When I took the 23andMe test, I had no way of knowing the loss at 22 years old of the father who raised me would be the ending to this new beginning.
“Welcome to the clan” took the place of a “shower event” to mark the milestone of my birthright and triggered another uniquely Jewish tradition: exploring curiosity. I came into an established family whose members are geographically dispersed from me, but we had mutual curiosity. A basic tenet in Judaism is to question and pursue curiosity. My new family’s acceptance and curiosity served as an induction of sorts—asking questions, processing it all without judgment, and showing excitement at my involvement in the family. Wondering how I would fit in preoccupied me early on, something most individuals born into a family typically don’t experience, since bonding with an infant grows as people witness their milestones. None of these people had ever experienced any of mine.
There’s usually a lot of adjustment that comes with all life transitions, and the unexpected identity confusion that comes with discovering new paternity has certainly required adjustment. In a period of three months—a sort of super consolidated lifespan—I experienced the pain of a new birth (my rebirth), toddler-like clinging to my old sense of life, the individuation of adolescence as I reset my system to allow for a new narrative, shedding the unspoken family secret that clouded my identity and emerging as a new adult. Carl Jung introduced the concept of synchronicity as meaningful coincidences that seem to have no apparent connection. I understand now that I experienced this discovery because I also had the tools to deal with it through my training as a therapist and Jewish upbringing that encourages exploration and curiosity.
I lost the father who raised me 21 years ago and have desperately missed having a father in my life. Now I have the opportunity to have a new father relationship. Having been an only child, the most exciting part is finding a brother—the older brother I always wanted. We met a few months after I met our father, inciting more transitions, more beginnings, more adjustment. Also more milestones, including his participation in my son’s Bar Mitzvah—just the sort of significant turning point that bonds family together.
I now get to be part of the clan and introduce them to the tribe too. Mazel tov!
Jodi Klugman-Rabb is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Marin and Napa Counties. She specializes in connecting with clients on a humorous and practical level, helpful when specializing in ADHD, trauma/EMDR, and parental identity discovery. She is a long time Jew and new Scot. A wife of 20+ years, she’s the mom of two funny and awesome kids. Connect with her at her website or on Facebook.
