By Laura McMillian, PhD, CPC, ACC
As a professional coach* working with donor conceived adults, parents, and donors, I’ve observed a common issue among many donor conceived clients seeking support: feelings of anger or disappointment that their parents kept the truth of their conception secret from them for so many years. Because there may be disruption in the relationship between these adults and their parents, one or both parties seek coaching to help them work out their differences and adjust to the newly challenging reality. My donor conceived clients of all ages typically discover the truth of their conception either from their parents or from having taken a DNA test. Less commonly, they find out from a person other than a parent.
Donor conceived people are often confused as to why their parents didn’t think such information was vital enough to share with them much earlier on. Indeed, many feel that knowing the identity of both biological parents is a basic human right for multiple reasons (psychological, cultural, and medical); they therefore feel violated and betrayed by their own parents for denying them this right to their complete family heritage—information that most others take for granted.
Donor conceived people sometimes point out their parents’ hypocrisy in having chosen gamete donation over adoption for the purpose of establishing a biological connection to at least one parent and later complaining when their adult child shows interest in the typically anonymous biological parent. Should biological relatedness only matter to parents but not to children? The parents may say things like, “It shouldn’t matter. Love is all you need, and you received that.” Yes, but we also need to make sense of our traits and know where we came from so we can form healthy adult identities, not to mention our need for an accurate family medical history. Equally hypocritical, some parents enjoy doing genealogical work on their own family trees but criticize their adult donor conceived children for also valuing and investigating their true and complete heritage.
Parents’ explanations for their failure to disclose the manner of their children’s conception are often confusing. For example, they may say, “We couldn’t find the right time,” or “We thought it would be better for you not to know.” They may state that they didn’t want to layer on additional challenges when their children were going through difficult life events, such as going to college, or when there was trauma, loss, or divorce in the family. These justifications may or may not be excuses to avoid the difficult “telling conversation.” Sometimes, donor conceived people recognize their parents’ good intentions, but the problematic secret, which they consider a major lie, may overshadow those good intentions. Many feel there were numerous opportunities over the years for their parents to tell the truth.
There are several psychological reasons why parents may keep such secrets. Recipients of donor sperm may experience denial, as some may have lied to themselves for years by believing that the donor sperm didn’t “take,” while theirs (or their partners’) did. (Egg donation doesn’t afford the same opportunity for denial, since in vitro fertilization is necessary.) And in the past, fertility professionals encouraged such denial by mixing the sperm of two men—donor and intended father—or by telling heterosexual couples to have sex the night of the artificial insemination. Even today, most fertility professionals aren’t well informed about secrecy’s negative effects on donor conceived people and their family lives, being only concerned with running their businesses and achieving results.
In addition, the parents may not have done their own research, also having focused solely on the desired result, or there may not have been research available when they conceived. If the donation occurred decades ago, there likely was no publicly available source of information or research studies, let alone the Internet. Other possible reasons parents may have desired secrecy include shame over male infertility and a culture of sweeping family secrets under the rug.
Yet another psychological reason for secret-keeping is the deep-seated fear that children might not love the non-biological parent as much if they knew the truth. Sadly, this understanding is backwards; a relationship characterized by honesty and respect is stronger than one characterized by secrets and lies, regardless of biological relatedness. Children don’t know what DNA is; all they know is how parental figures treat and care for them. Nothing erases those early relationship experiences. At the same time, nothing erases the biological connection to genetic relatives, but this fact doesn’t detract from the connection with those who raised them. If the donor conceived person wants a relationship with the biological parent, the parents who raised them would do well to remember that love is not a finite resource.
Relationships that weren’t strong before the “telling conversation” tend to encounter more challenges than do those that had been strong from the start. The relationship is inevitably tested, and if there are dysfunctional patterns already present, some relationships might not survive this major test. Resolving both the dysfunction and the discovery process may prove too difficult all at once, especially without significant professional help over several years. Relationships that were already strong may experience bumps along the road but eventually return to where they were before (or close to it)—a process that often takes a year or two.
I usually recommend to my donor conceived clients that they continue civil discussions with their parents, if possible, to learn the reasoning used during their reproductive decision-making. I also advise them to exercise as much empathy as possible. Empathy is not the same as sympathy; it means putting yourself in someone else’s shoes in order to better understand their experiences and actions. The parents of donor conceived people who didn’t tell the truth early in life believed they were doing the right thing at the time. Many of my recipient parent clients express regret and remorse after learning more about the subject, though some remain steadfast in their defensiveness. Donor conceived people tend to find defensive parents particularly infuriating and invalidating; this defensiveness can create a schism in the relationship and add to the psychological burden of learning that one is donor conceived. Some parents even flip flop between supporting and denying the importance of their adult children’s full genetic self-knowledge.
As the parents’ coach, I try to ease any feelings of parental inadequacy and affirm the positives of their efforts. They are then better able to humbly and honestly face their adult children and move forward collaboratively. This is a time when donor conceived people need all the support they can get. Any challenges experienced by the parents in this process don’t compare to those of the adult donor conceived people, whose very existential foundation has been shaken. The shock and difficulties won’t magically disappear, although the intensity may lessen, since these effects may reverberate for the rest of their lives.
Those parents who value the relationship with their adult children more than their own egos are more likely to listen and offer support in whatever way they can. (Loving reassurances may be necessary before this becomes possible.) They will be receptive to general information about the experience of having been donor conceived as well as to their adult child’s specific experiences, similarly cultivating empathy. They also learn to support and not take personally their adult children’s curiosity about the other half of their genetic identity and the family history attached to it since this is a healthy curiosity that mustn’t be squelched. In this manner, parent-child relationships may become strong again in less time than they otherwise would.
If parents end up feeling less significant through their adult children’s focus on the mysterious or newfound biological parent, they might benefit from remembering the importance of being a “rock” to them through it all. The biological parent and family may or may not be receptive to contact or a relationship, but the parents who raised the children are able to provide consistent love and support regardless of what happens. And that’s not insignificant at all.
Such a strong relationship can go a long way toward easing the coping process. I recommend that my clients ask their parents for the types of support they need (assuming their parents are receptive), since many parents may have no idea how to help relieve the shock, confusion, and/or pain (if applicable) of the discovery and adjustment process. Bringing parents into coaching sessions can be helpful because an outside perspective can be less threatening to them. Finally, donor conceived people can join Facebook groups devoted to them as a population to help mitigate feelings of aloneness through gaining a sense of shared experience with others in similar positions.
Laura McMillian, PhD, CPC, ACC, has a master’s degree in clinical psychology with an emphasis in marriage and family therapy. She’s also a certified professional coach who provides services to donor conceived individuals, donors, and parents. She lives in Hideout, Utah with her loving spouse Kevin and their 3 small dogs. Learn more about her practice here.
Editor’s note: While professional coaches may help facilitate communication and share practical coping strategies, they do not treat psychological disorders unless they are also licensed therapists. Individuals experiencing shock, trauma, or significant emotional challenges should seek the care of a qualified therapist, preferably one trained in issues related to genetic identity.
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