Psychologist Greg Markway talks to Severance about the trauma that can be caused by unexpected DNA findings.
DNA surprises often appear to cause a great deal of emotional upheaval. Would you describe it as traumatic?
Any surprise can be traumatic, but a DNA surprise raises one of life’s most fundamental questions: Who am I? Your very identity is made up of your memories, your shared stories, and experiences with family and friends. When you find out that something is not true, or not exactly true, it is a major shock to your emotional system.
Would it be accurate to say that people experiencing this kind of trauma don’t always recognize it as trauma? Perhaps they think they’re overreacting or are less capable than others of handling things?
It is easy to tell yourself, “This is no big deal. I should be able to handle this.” But “handling something” is a process. And that process may involve feeling upset and expressing various emotions. Like any trauma, the emotional reactions can come in waves and when you least expect them. You and your family members both may minimize your experience by emphasizing you had good parents, you shouldn’t be upset, or even that you’re being selfish by looking for answers. I tell people that I don’t know what qualifies as an overreaction to news that changes your understanding of your world. Your reaction is not a sign of emotional weakness—it’s a sign that you are in touch with reality enough that you react when reality changes. I suggest you accept your reactions, your feelings, as being there. Accept that they are what you need to feel in the moment. There’s no need to try changing them—that doesn’t work anyway. You need to work through the process.
Can you describe the emotional responses or signs of this kind of trauma?
There can be depression, with low mood and irritability, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, poor concentration, and an inability to focus on work. There might be anger. Part of what makes this kind of trauma so difficult is that you might think it’s not really that big of a deal—others have it worse. And it’s true, others have it worse. But trauma is not a contest—you can have all the emotions anyway. You are not weak.
Is it typical for individuals to feel disoriented, unable to concentrate?
Yes. Sometimes you just can’t process everything at once and you will feel disoriented and unable to concentrate. The news can be so big that it’s like your circuits are overloaded.
Is there research indicating that significant shocks like this have an impact on one’s wellbeing?
Yes. Research has shown for many years that stressful life events (both good stress and bad stress) have an impact on our health. It is important that you allow yourself to experience your emotions and not waste energy on fighting them. You might look at the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory.
What are some of the ways individuals can help themselves absorb the shock, cope with trauma, and figure out how to move forward?
It’s important to accept our reactions as normal. The more we fight them or argue that there’s something wrong with us for reacting, the longer it will take to move forward, the longer it will take to heal. Journaling can be immensely helpful. Write down what you’re feeling, even if it seems extreme or overly dramatic. It isn’t. It’s the reality of what you are feeling in the moment. Meditation can be helpful, but if you can’t slow your mind down, that’s ok. Notice and accept that your mind is racing. If you’re able to exercise, that’s a great way of dealing with stress and clearing the mind. Reaching out to understanding friends is important. And there’s a large community online going through similar things. (Use the Resources tab on the Severance home page to find some of these.)
Individuals likely will have numerous questions and need a great deal of information. They may want answers from their parents, may struggle with whether to discuss the family secret with others, may feel the need to search for and contact family. What are some ways people might prioritize the needs that arise?
I encourage people to move slowly in the process—think of yourself as writing a novel. What information do you need to make the characters more interesting, to make them sympathetic. Is there a way that you can make their behavior understandable? For example, a teenage girl that became pregnant in the past may not have been allowed much say in whether or not to keep the baby or put the child up for adoption. Going back even further in time, a single female may not have had the opportunity to earn a living wage and therefore couldn’t provide for a child. A father may not have known of a child’s existence. There are many more examples I can give. On the other hand, what you learn now becomes part of your story and, if you’re someone reading this, you’re likely the kind of person that wants to know your whole story. Being understanding and sympathetic toward others doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to experience your own emotions, though.
The most important thing is to take care of yourself. Ask yourself what you, yourself, need. Try to find a way to meet that need, but keep in mind you can’t control other people.
At what point or under what circumstances do you think therapy might be useful or even necessary?
Therapy can be very helpful at any point in the process. A good therapist helps you reflect on who you are and who you want to be. Ultimately, you are the author of your story, no matter how many plot twists get added to that story. I would consider therapy necessary and would encourage you to seek help if you’re having symptoms of depression or trauma—low mood, irritability, sleep or appetite problems, inability to concentrate, relationship problems.
The repercussions of learning about family secrets can be overwhelming for many and linger over time as individuals learn more, process the information, possibly search for family with positive or negative outcomes, and deal with the fallout in their families. For many, thoughts about the surprise can be obsessive or efforts to find family can be all-consuming. How important is it to focus on wellness in the immediate aftermath of a shock—attending not only to stress but to getting adequate sleep, eating well, exercising, trying to keep from being isolated?
Searching for answers can be all-consuming. We live in an age in which we can binge-watch on Netflix and learn the answer to a mystery on a television show within hours. When it comes to family mysteries, we have search engines, DNA, and genealogy services. There’s a lot we can learn quickly. But definitive answers can take a long time. Others may not understand our obsession—even others affected by the discovery of a family secret may not care like you do. It’s a very personal thing. It’s important to keep in mind that we can’t necessarily find answers quicker by working harder. As an example, I have spent two years searching for my grandfather’s birth parents. I found his likely father fairly quickly, but could find nothing on his mother. I gave up for a while and came back to the search and found I had earlier ruled out a group of people for some reason. This group has turned out to offer my best leads in my search. It’s important to take care of yourself. Meditate, exercise, sleep, stay in touch with your friends, get out of the house. All of these things will make your search more efficient. Taking care of yourself helps you think more clearly. All of these strategies are part of accepting our humanity, accepting that we don’t control how our bodies and minds react. This includes accepting that other people may be doing their best—we just don’t always know their stories, why they react the way they do. We need to take care of ourselves so we don’t lose ourselves in the process.
Is there anything else people should do before acting and reacting and to prepare them for some of the emotions and challenges that will follow?
Keep in mind that what you find in the search will trigger all kinds of emotions. You may find people who share DNA with you, but nothing else. A newfound relative may have no interest in a relationship, or on the other hand, may want more of your time and energy than you want to give. It’s a process, and you may not know what you want until you start finding answers to the secret, until you find these relatives. Don’t assume they’ll want the same things you do. Also, it’s important to keep asking yourself: “What is it I really want? What am I searching for? What values of mine will this search, and its possible answers, satisfy?”
Adoptees, NPEs, donor-conceived individuals and others separated from biological family face rejection in many ways. If they find and try to contact their biological families, they may be rejected. They may be rejected even by their social families. And sometimes they may be in reunion with biological families but ultimately are rejected. What are the psychological consequences/repercussions of this kind of rejection?
We are all ultimately seeking connection and belonging. Unfortunately, life is not clean. We don’t all fit into perfectly designed family trees. It’s estimated that 7% of Americans are adopted or in foster care. Add on top of that all the individuals who grew up in a “nuclear” family but were conceived outside of the marriage or through donors. That’s a huge percentage of us. It is important that we work to remove the stigma of this. We didn’t choose how we came into this world. It’s important that we not stigmatize ourselves. We are just as legitimate as anyone else.
We also need to keep in mind that we may be rejected by newfound biological parents. We need to keep our fantasies in check. These biological relatives are human beings, with strengths and with flaws, just like everyone else. Other people may not understand our need to search and they may have no desire to know the answers themselves. We need to accept that.
Greg Markway, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in St. Louis, Missouri. He became interested in genetic genealogy while searching for the roots of his grandfather, who came to Missouri from New York on an orphan train in 1896.
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6 comments
nice
The feelings of the birth family are also very similar to that if an NPE. Shock, traumatic, fear and confusion. Our family system has been disrupted by a stranger who comes out of nowhere and usually has expectations. We need time to sort things out. If the first connection the Adoptee/NPE is a family member other than the birthfather or birthmother, our family relationship (due to their involvement) can create a tremendous amount of conflict. Tread lightly, you never know what someone else’s life has been like. They might be going through recent losses, illnesses, divorce, financial issues, etc. The big happy reunions that are shown on television or through 23 and Me or AncestryDNA, rarely happen. They are busy selling a product and have nothing to lose when our lives come unhinged. Most of us took a test or were given a test as a gift for fun. It turned out to be the worst gift ever. Our family will never be the same, much like that of an NPE.
Thank you for this article, it describes exactly how I feel and gives helpful suggestions for coping.
I’m an NPE and I can attest that the shock is profound when you find out your father was actually not your birth father. I found out from a DNA test in November, 2017 and I’m still not over it almost six years later. Everything changes in an instant: medical history, past memories, the realization your mother lied to you for your entire life. It’s shattering.
My salvation has been a private NPE group on Facebook. If anyone reading this is an NPE, search for NPE Friends, they have been a lifesaver for me. There’s over 9,000 of us NPE’s in this group and it’s helpful to hear the stories of others who are in the same boat.
As the wife of a man who discovered through a dna test done for ‘fun” I can concur with everything that Anna says. The shock and trauma to me and our family was huge especially after my husband took it upon himself to contact a woman born from a one night stand 54 years ago without my knowledge. What followed were the most challenging and unhappy times of our 45 year relationship. Whilst there is a huge amount of help and advice out there for NPEs there is almost none for the biological father’s family or him. Whilst I can only try and understand the trauma caused to NPEs, as much sympathy should be extended to the biological father’s who equally need help and support to come to terms with this shock discovery. Our families too are forever changed by this knowledge.