The Anniversaries We Don’t Expect

By Michelle Talsma Everson

On a red eye flight home from visiting my best friend, my 13-year-old son’s sleepy head on my shoulder, I message my aunt to ask if we can visit her beach house this summer. She says yes enthusiastically, and we check on dates. I message my little brothers’ mom to say hi and catch up. I make a note to message my sister. To another aunt, one who helped raise me, I send photos of my sleepy teen. It all feels so normal, and for that I am grateful.

Recently I told a friend about two aunts who helped save me. One, my mother’s sister who took me in when I was 17. Another, my biological dad’s sister, who did very much the same almost 20 years later. In between, I was honored to be mentored and raised by other amazing women. I count my blessings and they are many.

Two years ago, a surprise DNA discovery rocked my world. I was raised knowing my dad had other children out in the world—and more than a decade after his passing, I spit in a tube for two at-home DNA tests in hopes of finding these long list siblings. What I found instead was that my dad, who had passed in 2010, wasn’t my biological father. My biological father was very much alive and living in the city where I was born.

What ensued over the last two years brought me to the brink of insanity and back again. The best way to describe it is to imagine feeling all human emotions possible all at once. Grief, pain, betrayal, curiosity—the works. Overnight, I went from being an only child to having multiple half siblings. My ethic identity changed too—I was raised identifying as a Mexican American, and, it turns out, I’m half Jewish. An identity crisis followed. I’m an NPE (not-parent expected), and I needed to find out where that fits into who I am as a person.

A writer, I published multiple local and national articles about the experience—my own and those of others in my same boat. An explorer who wanted closure of some sort, I met multiple new family members as I and my son darted around the country.

The big question—have I met my bio dad, as I call him? Yes, once, in November 2022 for a few hours when he was in my hometown. It was a surreal experience that’s hard to put into words. He acknowledges me—which is what I needed for my heart to calm down and the shame to fade—and we keep in casual touch.

Gratitude and growth are my mottos these days. Of course, there’s the occasional ache and pain when I see photos of people I’m related to and haven’t met; but overall, these are the days I’ve waited for. I’m finally (mostly) on the other side of the grief associated with this.

There were some dark, dark days though. A recent study about the mental and emotional health impacts of being an NPE shows that I’m not alone in suffering a variety of mental health and emotional issues. Common feelings include everything imaginable—as I’ve stated, it’s like feeling all the spectrum of human emotion at once. Loss. Betrayal. Grief. Anger. Excitement. All the feelings. There were sleepless nights, passive suicidal ideations, gratitude for the kindness of strangers and loved ones, realizations that it was okay to do what was best for me and my son—even if others disagreed.

For those of you at the beginning of a surprise DNA discovery journey, know that you are not alone and that help and support is out there. There are dark days, but there’s also hope. For those supporting loved ones on this journey, remember there’s no timeline to grief and no two journeys are alike. One day your loved one may be on top of the world, the next they may not be able to get out of bed. And both days are okay. Also, if you’ve been recently contacted by someone with a surprise DNA discovery, I implore you to choose empathy. We did not choose this, just as you likely didn’t, so please remember we’re doing our best.

As for myself, while everyone’s journey is different, I’m so grateful for each rainbow after each storm and for those who supported me through this particular storm. I hope to choose empathy always, and to always pay forward what I have learned.

Michelle Talsma Everson is a journalist, editor, public relations pro, and storyteller from Phoenix, Arizona. She discovered she was an NPE (not parent expected) in March 2021, and since then has been navigating how to best blend her writing and NPE discovery to be a voice and provide resources for those affected by surprise DNA discoveries. Read about her NPE journey on Scary Mommy and the Jewish News of Greater Phoenix. She’s also written about the topic for Next Avenue. To learn more about her career outside of her NPE discovery, connect with her on LinkedIn, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter.