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Severance Magazine
Monthly Archives

June 2019

    ArticlesDNA SurprisesFamily SecretsNPEs

    After A DNA Surprise: 10 Things No One Wants to Hear

    by bkjax June 19, 2019

    If you want to comfort someone who's had a DNA surprise, avoid making these 10 comments.

    By B.K. Jackson

    Until recently, most people likely haven’t encountered someone who’s been knocked off balance by a DNA test result, so it’s understandable they might not appreciate the magnitude of the impact. But it’s just a matter of time. Mind-blowing DNA revelations are becoming so common that some DNA testing companies have trained their customer service staff representatives to respond empathetically. While those employees may know the right thing to say, here in the real world the people around us often haven’t got a clue how it feels — like a punch to the gut.

    If you’ve become untethered from your genetic family, you might get a second surprise: some of your friends and loved ones may be remarkably unsympathetic, often infuriatingly judgmental, and sometimes even hostile. It’s clear that although DNA surprises have become ubiquitous, social attitudes haven’t kept pace, and a stigma remains.

    When you’re in a free fall and looking for something to grab hold of, negative reactions can set you spinning off your axis.

    It shouldn’t be surprising that people may not know what to say to someone who’s received shocking DNA results. After all, few know how to comfort someone who’s experienced the death of a loved one, even though grief is a universal experience.

    If your world has been rocked by a DNA surprise, let those around you know what helps and what doesn’t. And if you haven’t been so affected but want to help and support someone who has, it’s worth trying to put yourself in their place and imagine what the experience has been like. Or better yet, simply ask. But think twice before adding to their distress with one of these unhelpful yet commonly heard responses.

    1. Your father will always be your father.

    This well-meant platitude isn’t comforting to those who didn’t feel loved and nurtured by the dads who raised them. It’s like pressing a bruise. They wonder whether their biological fathers would have given them the love their dads didn’t or if the dads who raised them loved them less because they weren’t true progeny. And those of us lucky enough to have had precious relationships with our dads don’t need that reassurance. It’s like telling the bereaved their loved ones are in a better place. It’s what people say when they don’t know what to say. It doesn’t soothe our roiling emotions or patch the holes in our origin stories.

    2. Your father was just a sperm donor.

    A more cynical take on the same idea, this attempts to make light of those roiling emotions. If we were lucky, we know our dads are the men who loved us, bandaged our knees, held us, worried about us, sacrificed for us. Our love for them and theirs for us is ineffable, immutable, inseverable. But it doesn’t make us any less curious about the men whose not insignificant sperm gave us life and gifted us with half our genetic makeup.

    3. Blood doesn't make family.

    This tries to mollify us and discount our feelings at the same time. Blood is exactly what makes family, consanguinity being the first definition of kinship. Certainly there are also families of affinity, but the familial love we feel for them doesn’t alter the fact that our blood relatives exist and they matter to us.

    4. It doesn't change anything. You're still the same person.

    Of course we’re the same people! And yet we’re not. We may feel diminished, less of who we thought we were, or, if we always knew deep down something was amiss, more at ease, more authentically ourselves. All the cells in our bodies are different than we thought they were. Each contains the DNA of someone unexpected that encoded the traits that are the foundation of who we are.

    5. You can't miss something you never had.

    No, we can’t. But missing is akin to longing. We can wonder what we missed and long for what never was. “What you don’t know can’t hurt you” — the flip side of this comment — is equally untrue. It’s precisely what we don’t know that does hurt us. We don’t know where we came from, what genetic landmines could detonate our health, or the biological relatives who may be out there, somewhere, not even realizing we exist.

    6. Don't air your dirty laundry.

    Letting loose the family skeletons tends to be frowned upon. But just as grief is too heavy to be carried alone, keeping secrets is a lingering burden that feeds isolation and loneliness. It’s a comment that whispers, “You’re a dirty little secret.” It’s not our shame, but it is our truth to tell. As Anne Lamott famously wrote in “Bird by Bird,” “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

    7. Don't open a Pandora's box

    Wonder and longing often fuel a desire for reunion with biological relatives, which may be perceived as an affront by our families or as a threat by biological relatives who fear the shame exposure of their long-kept secrets would arouse. Discouraging a search for biological family sends the message that our need to know fundamental truths is insignificant compared to others’ needs to protect their secrets.

    8. What difference does it make? Who cares?

    That millions take DNA tests to see where they come from and millions more trace their lineage seems evidence enough that knowing about one’s pedigree matters. But tracing a family tree isn’t an option for NPEs (non-parental events or not parent expected) who can’t establish filiation, nor is protecting themselves against collateral damage — invisible health risks. For example, I worried my whole life about birth defects, cancers, and other genetic diseases that were the legacy of my Russian ancestors. Fortunately, I discovered I descend from robust Sicilians who lived long, healthy lives. Not so lucky is the ticking time bomb of a 40-year old NPE who doesn’t know he has a father and four half-brothers who all died of heart disease before 45. We simply want the same knowledge everyone else has.

    9. You have a good life. Focus on that.

    Having a good life doesn’t make us immune to despair, confusion, or grief. Ask anyone who’s lost a parent. Comments such as these disregard the sense of dislocation we feel after having been unceremoniously severed from our family trees. And lack of ceremony is key, because when something is lost, even if it’s something we didn’t know we had, there’s grieving to be done, whether the unknown father is dead or yet living. But there are no ceremonies, rituals, or social supports for this particular bereavement.

    10. Get over it!

    We likely won’t get over it unless we’re able to grieve our losses and gain answers to the questions that others never have to ask about the things they take for granted — knowledge that is their birthright, but, they believe, not ours.

    What can you do?

    Understand it’s complicated. The issues and feelings a DNA surprise give rise to are numerous and diverse. The most meaningful thing you can do is listen and acknowledge the feelings, but withhold judgment. Sometimes a willing ear and kind silence is the best response. Consider how you might feel if you learned you’ve been a secret for decades and what it’s like to see your family tree pruned by half. Erase everything you know about your father: his name, appearance, forebears, and medical history. Erase everything you share with him: his surname, religion, ethnicity. If you didn’t know all this, would you still be who you are? Would you not feel stripped bare and dispossessed? As Michael Crichton wrote in “Timeline,” “If you didn’t know history, you didn’t know anything. You were a leaf that didn’t know it was part of a tree.”

    Return to our home page to see more articles about NPEs. And if you’re an NPE, adoptee, donor-conceived individual, helping professional or genetic genealogist, join Severance’s private facebook group.

    BEFORE YOU GO…

    • Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
    • Let us know what you want to see in Severance. Send a message to bkjax@icloud.com
    • Tell us your stories. See guidelines at https://severancemag.com/submission-guidelines/
    • If you’re an NPE, adoptee, or donor conceived person; a sibling of someone in one of these groups; or a helping professional (for example, a therapist or genetic genealogist) you’re welcome to join our private Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/402792990448461
    • And like us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/severancemag and follow us on Twitter and Instagram @Severancemag
    June 19, 2019 25 comments
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  • AdoptionEssays, Fiction, Poetry

    The Stuff Love Can’t Fix

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019

    my body remembers the shiver of separation the moment of release from anything and everything I ever knew my body remembers the renunciation the retraction the ricochet of loss pain becomes an echo of that loss that thunders through my skull screaming forcing me to remember what my body refuses to forget

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  • BooksShort Takes

    Lost and Found: Dani Shapiro’s “Inheritance”

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019

    Author Dani Shapiro has explored family secrets from every angle in an exceptional decades-long writing career that until now yielded five novels and four memoirs. Revisiting those works, it’s tempting to believe everything she’s experienced and written has been prelude to her 10th book, the bestselling “Inheritance: A Memoir of Genealogy, Paternity, and Love.” In an earlier memoir, for example, “Still Writing: The Perils and Pleasures of a Creative Life,” she describes herself in childhood as having been strangely aware unknowns were waiting to be discovered.

    Read more
    4 FacebookTwitter
  • AdoptionArticlesNPEsPsychology & Therapy

    Ambiguous Loss: When What You Don’t Know Hurts . . . Forever

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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    1 FacebookTwitter
  • AdoptionEssays, Fiction, PoetrySecrets & Lies

    Dear Donna

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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    5 FacebookTwitter
  • Film & VideoShort Takes

    Exploring DNA Journeys Through Documentary Film

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
    Read more
    3 FacebookTwitter
  • Coping StrategiesSelf-Care

    Calm in the Middle of a Storm: A Conversation with Mindfulness Expert Julie Potiker

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
    Read more
    1 FacebookTwitter
  • AdoptionDNA surprisesEssays, Fiction, PoetryLate Discovery Adoptees

    Storytelling to Save Your Life: A Late-Discovery Adoptee Experience

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
    Read more
    4 FacebookTwitter
  • AdoptionArticlesGenetics & HeredityNPEs

    No Family Medical History? How DNA Testing Might Help

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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    1 FacebookTwitter
  • Short TakesShort Takes: People, News & Research

    Rejection Hurts . . . Literally

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
    Read more
    1 FacebookTwitter
  • DNA surprisesEssays, Fiction, PoetryNPEsSecrets & Lies

    Fractured

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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    3 FacebookTwitter
  • AdvocacyArticlesDonor Conception

    Advocacy Snapshot: Courtney Tucker and the U.S. Donor-Conceived Alliance

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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    1 FacebookTwitter
  • Coping StrategiesSelf-Care

    Urge Surfing: Ease the Mind by Riding the Wave

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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    1 FacebookTwitter
  • Coping StrategiesSelf-Care

    Have You Just Learned a Shocking Family Secret? Now What?

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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    0 FacebookTwitter
  • AdoptionEssays, Fiction, Poetry

    The Interloper

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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    5 FacebookTwitter
  • ArticlesDNA SurprisesFamily SecretsInterviews & ProfilesNPEs

    Q&A: Therapist Jodi Klugman-Rabb

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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  • ArticlesDNA & Genetic GenealogyDNA SurprisesSearch & Reunion

    DNA Testing for Newbies: Where to Start

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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    1 FacebookTwitter
  • Essays, Fiction, PoetryNPEsSecrets & Lies

    The Revelation

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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    2 FacebookTwitter
  • Podcasts & RadioShort Takes

    Go Ask Your Father

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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  • Coping StrategiesSelf-Care

    Caring and Sharing: Peer Support on Facebook

    by bkjax June 19, 2019
    June 19, 2019
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What’s New on Severance

  • There Was a Secret
  • Should Health Care Professionals Tell the Truth About Paternity?
  • 20 Questions and a World of Stories
  • The Wizard and I
  • Rabbit Holes and Hobbits
  • We Three

After a DNA Surprise: 10 Things No One Wants to Hear

https://www.righttoknow.us

Call Right To Know’s resource hotline to talk with another MPE be paired with a mentor, get resources, or just talk.

Original Birth Certificates to California Born Adoptees

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erHylYLHqXg&t=4s

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abandonment adoptee adoptees adoptee stories adoption advocacy biological family birthmother books DNA DNA surprise DNA surprises DNA test DNA tests donor conceived donor conception essay Essays family secrets genetic genealogy genetic identity genetics grief heredity Late Discovery Adoptee late discovery adoptees Late Discovery Adoption meditation memoir MPE MPEs NPE NPEs podcasts psychology Q&A rejection research reunion search and reunion secrets and lies self care therapy transracial adoption trauma

Recommended Reading

The Lost Family: How DNA is Upending Who We Are, by Libby Copeland. Check our News & Reviews section for a review of this excellent book about the impact on the culture of direct-to-consumer DNA testing.

What Happens When Parents Wait to Tell a Child He’s Adopted

“A new study suggests that learning about one’s adoption after a certain age could lead to lower life satisfaction in the future.”

Janine Vance Searches for the Truth About Korean Adoptees

“Imagine for a minute that you don’t know who your mother is. Now imagine that you are that mother, and you don’t know what became of your daughter.”

Who’s Your Daddy? The Twisty History of Paternity Testing

“Salon talks to author Nara B. Milanich about why in the politics of paternity and science, context is everything.”

What Separation from Parents Does to Children: ‘The Effect is Catastrophic”

“This is what happens inside children when they are forcibly separated from their parents.”

Truth: A Love Story

“A scientist discovers his own family’s secret.”

Dear Therapist: The Child My Daughter Put Up for Adoption is Now Rejecting Her

“She thought that her daughter would want to meet her one day. Twenty-five years later, that’s not true.”

I’m Adopted and Pro-Choice. Stop Using My Story for the Anti-Abortion Agenda. Stephanie Drenka’s essay for the Huffington Post looks at the way adoptees have made unwilling participants in conversations about abortion.

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@2019 - Severance Magazine

Severance Magazine
  • About
    • About Severance
    • From the Editor
    • Submission Guidelines: How to Contribute
    • Contact Us
  • Articles
    • abandonment
    • Adoption
    • Advocacy
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    • Search & Reunion
  • Essays & Fiction
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    • DNA surprises
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    • Search & Reunion
    • Secrets & Lies
  • Short Takes
    • Short Takes: Books
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    • Short Takes: People, News & Research
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  • Self Care & Coping
    • Coping Strategies
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  • Speak Out
    • Micro-Memoirs
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  • Resources
    • Start Here
    • Abandonment
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    • NPEs (Not parent expected) & MPEs (Misattributed parentage experience)
    • Psychology & Therapy & Coaching
    • Search & Reunion
    • Secrets & Lies
    • Self-Care
Severance Magazine
  • About
    • About Severance
    • From the Editor
    • Submission Guidelines: How to Contribute
    • Contact Us
  • Articles
    • abandonment
    • Adoption
    • Advocacy
    • DNA & Genetic Genealogy
    • DNA Surprises
    • Donor Conception
    • Family Secrets
    • Genetics & Heredity
    • Interviews & Profiles
    • Late Discovery Adoptees
    • Psychology & Therapy
    • NPEs/MPEs
    • Search & Reunion
  • Essays & Fiction
    • abandonment
    • Adoption
    • DNA surprises
    • Donor Conception
    • NPEs/MPEs
    • Late Discovery Adoptees
    • Search & Reunion
    • Secrets & Lies
  • Short Takes
    • Short Takes: Books
    • Short Takes: Film & Video
    • Short Takes: People, News & Research
    • Short Takes: Podcasts & Radio
  • Self Care & Coping
    • Coping Strategies
    • Self-Care
  • Speak Out
    • Micro-Memoirs
    • Your Video Stories
  • Resources
    • Start Here
    • Abandonment
    • Adoption
    • DNA & Genetic Genealogy
    • Donor Conception
    • Genetics & Heredity
    • Late-Discovery Adoptees
    • NPEs (Not parent expected) & MPEs (Misattributed parentage experience)
    • Psychology & Therapy & Coaching
    • Search & Reunion
    • Secrets & Lies
    • Self-Care
@2019 - Severance Magazine