• About
    • About Severance
    • From the Editor
    • Submission Guidelines: How to Contribute
    • Contact Us
  • Articles
    • abandonment
    • Adoption
    • Advocacy
    • DNA & Genetic Genealogy
    • DNA Surprises
    • Donor Conception
    • Family Secrets
    • Genetics & Heredity
    • Interviews & Profiles
    • Late Discovery Adoptees
    • Psychology & Therapy
    • NPEs/MPEs
    • Search & Reunion
  • Essays & Fiction
    • abandonment
    • Adoption
    • DNA surprises
    • Donor Conception
    • NPEs/MPEs
    • Late Discovery Adoptees
    • Search & Reunion
    • Secrets & Lies
  • Short Takes
    • Short Takes: Books
    • Short Takes: Film & Video
    • Short Takes: People, News & Research
    • Short Takes: Podcasts & Radio
  • Self Care & Coping
    • Coping Strategies
    • Self-Care
  • Speak Out
    • Micro-Memoirs
    • Your Video Stories
  • Resources
    • Start Here
    • Abandonment
    • Adoption
    • DNA & Genetic Genealogy
    • Donor Conception
    • Genetics & Heredity
    • Late-Discovery Adoptees
    • NPEs (Not parent expected) & MPEs (Misattributed parentage experience)
    • Psychology & Therapy & Coaching
    • Search & Reunion
    • Secrets & Lies
    • Self-Care
Severance Magazine
Monthly Archives

October 2024

    AdoptionEssays, Fiction, Poetry

    8 Ways to Guarantee Eternal Love and Devotion from Your Adoptee

    by bkjax October 28, 2024

    By Louella Dalpymple

    I, Louella Dalpymple, am an avid learner, so when I became an adoptive mom, I immediately labored to read a wide array of adoption agency websites so I’d be fully armed to endear myself to my children for all eternity. Now that my adoptees are adults, I feel obligated to share “lessons learned” with the rest of you.  

    While it was a blow to my self-esteem to not contribute my genes to the gene pool, adoption provided me multiple ways to repair the damage from that blow, thanks to my two darling children. When I set out to learn everything necessary to be the best mom ever, I was surprised to discover that there wasn’t much to learn that I didn’t already know. I spent three whole hours (honest!) scrolling the feeds of several adoptive parent influencers to make sure I was up to speed. Adoption is one of those wonderful things that everyone already knows and loves because in adoption, everyone wins. The Republicans and the Democrats love it. The churches and the heathens love it. White people, Black people, Brown people, Yellow people—the whole rainbow of humanity loves adoption! (Maybe not the Red people). What’s not to love? When drug epidemics and earthquakes and wars and one-child policies hit, all the poor babies can make their way to better homes, American homes.

    With my children successfully out in the world, living their own lives, I want to share with you eight proven strategies (not yet patented, but I’m working on that) for what adoptees need from their parents. You might want to hang these on your fridge.

    1. Share your story—liberally!

    Whether or not you were denied your own baby, you went through a lot to get your adoptee. You had to endure prying social workers, expensive lawyers, long waits during which you were powerless (you!), and, most humiliating, that awful part of the process that required you to impress a birth mom. Horrors!

    So once you achieve your goal of being a mother, of course you are going to want to share the news with everyone. And not just the main news, but all the details! For example, why your child was put up for adoption, what sordid circumstances the birth mother found herself in, just how much of a loser the good-for-nothing birth father is (pro tip: “sperm donor” is a catchy term), what drugs were in your baby’s system, and later on down your road, any problem behaviors you’ve had to deal with. All these things make you look superior AND like a hero. Sure to earn you points in the court of public opinion. Claim your awesomeness!

    Share far and wide: at your church, with the other moms, and especially share all the juicy details online. After all, you deserve to be seen for the wonderful person you are for taking on such—in the words of one of the influencers I follow—”a beautiful mess 🦋🙃🧸.”

    Sharing without limits is also a favor to your adoptee. Their future friends, paramours, employers, and everyone else will already know so much about them from a simple google search. In all their relationships, your adoptee can skip the getting-to-know-you stage! At least their side of it.

    2. Mold your adoptee to become what you know they can and should be. Resist the urge to see them as they are.

    Why is it even a question of nature vs nurture? “Nature” is just a wee spark of DNA. “Nurture,” though, is an ongoing, day-after-day and year-after-year affair. Your part is so much weightier! Besides, everyone knows that babies are blank slates. Get ‘em early enough and you’re all set, I always say. You can mold them into anything you want. You’re a family of macrame enthusiasts? With persistence and dedication (and maybe a little choicelessness in the matter), your adoptee will soon also become a macrame enthusiast.

    If you start to see glimmers of personality traits or interests that aren’t to your liking, just prune them with my proven strategies of ignoring or shaming. That should do it.

    3. Revel in validation people give you when they notice similarities between you and your adoptee. Sameness is good!

    So what if your hair is blond and straight and your adoptee’s is brown and curly. When people tell you that you look alike, play it up! As you should. You endured a lot to bring this person into your life as your accessory, and it’s only right you should enjoy the fruits of your labor.

    Your adoptee is fortunate to be seen the same as you. You are awesome, and they are lucky to bask in the glow of your awesomeness. Besides, different is bad and discussion of it should be avoided at any cost. This deserves its own bullet!

    4. Try not to see or talk about the differences between you (and your culture) and your adoptee. Differences might make them feel bad.

    Be very, very careful not to notice or bring attention to the ways your child is different from you and those around you. For example, if you have a transracial adoptee (which I don’t, full disclosure), focus on helping them fit into our culture rather than focusing on “Black” or “Asian” or “Hispanic” things. It’s best for your adoptee if you don’t see color. When you can achieve that, it means that color doesn’t matter. How wonderful to do your part in easing race relations across the board! 

    5. Elevate yourself over your child’s dreadful birth family. Thank goodness they ended up with you instead of them.

    Not much needs to be said about this, but don’t let your adoptee forget that you provided them an upgrade in life. Remind them often to feel grateful to you for so selflessly providing them a better life. It’s so important for children to learn to express gratitude!

    Pat yourself on the back, girlfriend.

    6. If Grandpa disses your adoptee, let your adoptee figure it out on their own.

    Again, I’m not a transracial parent, but I know a thing or two. You can’t expect everyone in your extended family to keep up the way you have and be “modern” when it comes to all things adoption and race and such. So when Grandpa makes racist comments in front of, or even about your adoptee, don’t rush to defend! When Aunt Mabel chides your adoptee for not showing you the gratitude you deserve for adopting them, just be happy that Auntie has your back. When Cousin Jack leaves your adoptee out of the game because they’re not really part of the family, go with “boys will be boys” and don’t allow your adoptee to get too worked up about it.

    All this will toughen up your adoptee. And endear you to them for helping them build character.

    7. When it’s necessary to apologize, there is a right way to do so.

    It didn’t happen often, but on rare occasion I got it wrong and needed to apologize to my adoptees. It’s important for them to always see you as the authority figure, all-powerful, so you must never go overboard on apologies. It might shatter their image of you.

    Rather than saying “I’m sorry I hurt you,” go with, instead, “I’m sorry you were hurt.” They won’t have to grapple with you being less than perfect.

    On a related note, I am also a fan of “I statements.” Such as “I feel sad when you bring up your birth mom” and “I feel angry when you tell me I’m not your real mom. I most certainly am!”

    8. Remember always that as the parent, you are accountable only to yourself.

    Don’t worry at all about your adoptee questioning your stance around birth parents or all things adoption. You are the grown up and you get to decide what’s in their best interest with your superior perspective. No need to worry that any of this will ever come back to you because you will forever be the parent and your adoptee will forever be your child. All little boys and girls remain their mother’s babies throughout their lives, amiright?

    I am proof. My children have never questioned me. They are so full of respect for me, it’s humbling.

    ***

    So those are my 8 tips, free for you to use (and put on your fridge). Now that my work is done, so painstakingly molding my children into my heart’s desire, my weekends and holidays are quite open. Feel free to contact me about implementing these strategies with your own adoptees. My very successful kids are so busy that they haven’t had the time to return my calls in the last few years #proudmom. Which means I have time to help you achieve neverending devotion from your adoptee, too. For a free consultation, call 1-800-ADTPN-RX.

     

    Louella Dalpymple is a figment of the imagination of Lori Holden. There is not a single piece of Louella’s advice that Holden agrees with. In fact, Holden cautions readers not to follow any of it and not to call the toll-free number, which is also a figment of her imagination. Holden translates Luella’s adoptive parent-centric advice to more adoptee-centered advice at LavenderLuz.com.

    October 28, 2024 3 comments
    5 FacebookTwitter
  • AdoptionEssays, Fiction, Poetry

    How to Meet Your Mother

    by bkjax October 17, 2024
    October 17, 2024

    By Dawn E. Packard Have your clothes already laid out. Get up early before your family does. Make a cup of strong coffee, but you won’t really need it. You may never be more awake. A little light makeup. No mascara. Some tissues in your pocket against need. Calculate again the time and distance from your hotel to the restaurant. Run a cloth over the boots you’ll walk in. Stand in front of a full-length mirror and know that this is how she will see you. Discard any notions of eating. Don’t take anything to take the edge off. Fifty-three years is a long time to wait; you won’t want to miss any of it. Swallow one last slug of the coffee you don’t need. Kiss your sleeping son and close the door softly as you leave. You will not return as the same person. Walk to the restaurant and breathe deeply of the sharp winter morning air. Firmly tether your mind to your body. Stay present. As you walk, gather all the selves you’ve ever been who’ve dreamed about this moment. The child who didn’t understand. The teenager lashing out at not-my-mother. The graduate, the bride, the new mom. You’re all going to breakfast together. Take a moment to compose yourself before you grasp the handle of the door and pull it open. Run a hand through your hair. Arrange your scarf. Do your best to not look nervous. Scan the dining room and push away tendrils of panic when you don’t see her. Remind yourself that you would’ve never come if she didn’t seem trustworthy. Believe that she’ll be there and try not to sag with relief when you spot her at a corner table. Maintain your composure. Walk to the table projecting a confidence you do not feel and watch as she unfolds herself from the booth and rises to embrace you. Clench your jaw and swallow as you hug. She will smell warm and nice, like a baby blanket. Breathe her in. Calm your galloping heartbeat and savor this moment. You will never have another like it. Order more coffee and some food you’ll barely touch. Pick at your toast as you will yourself not to stare at the woman who gave birth to you. Try to adjust to seeing your own eyes looking out at you from someone else’s face. It’s a weird feeling. Remind yourself to breathe. Click on image to read more.

    Read more
    1 FacebookTwitter

http://www.reckoningwiththeprimalwound.com

What’s New on Severance

  • There Was a Secret
  • Should Health Care Professionals Tell the Truth About Paternity?
  • 20 Questions and a World of Stories
  • The Wizard and I
  • Rabbit Holes and Hobbits
  • We Three

After a DNA Surprise: 10 Things No One Wants to Hear

https://www.righttoknow.us

Call Right To Know’s resource hotline to talk with another MPE be paired with a mentor, get resources, or just talk.

Original Birth Certificates to California Born Adoptees

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erHylYLHqXg&t=4s

Search

Tags

abandonment adoptee adoptees adoptee stories adoption advocacy biological family birthmother books DNA DNA surprise DNA surprises DNA test DNA tests donor conceived donor conception essay Essays family secrets genetic genealogy genetic identity genetics grief heredity Late Discovery Adoptee late discovery adoptees Late Discovery Adoption meditation memoir MPE MPEs NPE NPEs podcasts psychology Q&A rejection research reunion search and reunion secrets and lies self care therapy transracial adoption trauma

Recommended Reading

The Lost Family: How DNA is Upending Who We Are, by Libby Copeland. Check our News & Reviews section for a review of this excellent book about the impact on the culture of direct-to-consumer DNA testing.

What Happens When Parents Wait to Tell a Child He’s Adopted

“A new study suggests that learning about one’s adoption after a certain age could lead to lower life satisfaction in the future.”

Janine Vance Searches for the Truth About Korean Adoptees

“Imagine for a minute that you don’t know who your mother is. Now imagine that you are that mother, and you don’t know what became of your daughter.”

Who’s Your Daddy? The Twisty History of Paternity Testing

“Salon talks to author Nara B. Milanich about why in the politics of paternity and science, context is everything.”

What Separation from Parents Does to Children: ‘The Effect is Catastrophic”

“This is what happens inside children when they are forcibly separated from their parents.”

Truth: A Love Story

“A scientist discovers his own family’s secret.”

Dear Therapist: The Child My Daughter Put Up for Adoption is Now Rejecting Her

“She thought that her daughter would want to meet her one day. Twenty-five years later, that’s not true.”

I’m Adopted and Pro-Choice. Stop Using My Story for the Anti-Abortion Agenda. Stephanie Drenka’s essay for the Huffington Post looks at the way adoptees have made unwilling participants in conversations about abortion.

Archives

  • April 2025
  • March 2025
  • February 2025
  • January 2025
  • December 2024
  • November 2024
  • October 2024
  • September 2024
  • August 2024
  • July 2024
  • June 2024
  • May 2024
  • April 2024
  • March 2024
  • February 2024
  • January 2024
  • November 2023
  • October 2023
  • September 2023
  • August 2023
  • July 2023
  • May 2023
  • April 2023
  • March 2023
  • February 2023
  • January 2023
  • December 2022
  • November 2022
  • October 2022
  • September 2022
  • July 2022
  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • April 2022
  • March 2022
  • February 2022
  • December 2021
  • November 2021
  • October 2021
  • September 2021
  • August 2021
  • June 2021
  • May 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019

@2019 - Severance Magazine

Severance Magazine
  • About
    • About Severance
    • From the Editor
    • Submission Guidelines: How to Contribute
    • Contact Us
  • Articles
    • abandonment
    • Adoption
    • Advocacy
    • DNA & Genetic Genealogy
    • DNA Surprises
    • Donor Conception
    • Family Secrets
    • Genetics & Heredity
    • Interviews & Profiles
    • Late Discovery Adoptees
    • Psychology & Therapy
    • NPEs/MPEs
    • Search & Reunion
  • Essays & Fiction
    • abandonment
    • Adoption
    • DNA surprises
    • Donor Conception
    • NPEs/MPEs
    • Late Discovery Adoptees
    • Search & Reunion
    • Secrets & Lies
  • Short Takes
    • Short Takes: Books
    • Short Takes: Film & Video
    • Short Takes: People, News & Research
    • Short Takes: Podcasts & Radio
  • Self Care & Coping
    • Coping Strategies
    • Self-Care
  • Speak Out
    • Micro-Memoirs
    • Your Video Stories
  • Resources
    • Start Here
    • Abandonment
    • Adoption
    • DNA & Genetic Genealogy
    • Donor Conception
    • Genetics & Heredity
    • Late-Discovery Adoptees
    • NPEs (Not parent expected) & MPEs (Misattributed parentage experience)
    • Psychology & Therapy & Coaching
    • Search & Reunion
    • Secrets & Lies
    • Self-Care
Severance Magazine
  • About
    • About Severance
    • From the Editor
    • Submission Guidelines: How to Contribute
    • Contact Us
  • Articles
    • abandonment
    • Adoption
    • Advocacy
    • DNA & Genetic Genealogy
    • DNA Surprises
    • Donor Conception
    • Family Secrets
    • Genetics & Heredity
    • Interviews & Profiles
    • Late Discovery Adoptees
    • Psychology & Therapy
    • NPEs/MPEs
    • Search & Reunion
  • Essays & Fiction
    • abandonment
    • Adoption
    • DNA surprises
    • Donor Conception
    • NPEs/MPEs
    • Late Discovery Adoptees
    • Search & Reunion
    • Secrets & Lies
  • Short Takes
    • Short Takes: Books
    • Short Takes: Film & Video
    • Short Takes: People, News & Research
    • Short Takes: Podcasts & Radio
  • Self Care & Coping
    • Coping Strategies
    • Self-Care
  • Speak Out
    • Micro-Memoirs
    • Your Video Stories
  • Resources
    • Start Here
    • Abandonment
    • Adoption
    • DNA & Genetic Genealogy
    • Donor Conception
    • Genetics & Heredity
    • Late-Discovery Adoptees
    • NPEs (Not parent expected) & MPEs (Misattributed parentage experience)
    • Psychology & Therapy & Coaching
    • Search & Reunion
    • Secrets & Lies
    • Self-Care
@2019 - Severance Magazine